Day 51, Dec 13 - Sorry for taking so long! LOTS OF UPDATES

It's Saturday, Dec. 13. I haven't updated in a while.

I can't really remember where all I left off, and don't want to go back through my posts right now because I had the motivation to update, and wanted to run with it ---obviously, I haven't had that urge lately:)

EMBRYO UPDATE:
We have a total of 5 embryos frozen.
2 A-'s
1 B+
1 B
1 C+

That's great!

I guess i didn't know at the time of the last post, but we froze all embryos. My dr decided there was too much risk of my hyperstimming, so that's what he recommended, and where we were leaning anyway. The stats are just as high for pregnancy, but the risk is lower; win win!

It's been about a week since I updated last. Since then I DID present to my CEO, and it went SO WELL. It was like the scene in Old School when Will Ferrell passes out and does the speech, but doesn't remember.  I can't say I was on his level, but it was like an instant calm; my head was clear and I was able to calmly and confidently give my presentation. For anyone who knows me, those aren't my favorite things to do; it must be a control/exposure issue. I like to think a lot and analyze a lot before acting or speaking (unless I'm being a total goof ball, but that wouldn't have worked in this situation). I'm either very thoughtful or completely goofy and spontaneous. There's not a good in between. Not a great small talker. I'll do it. But I suck at it mentally if nothing else. I check out and can't "get there." And I feel hollow later like I wasn't in it and was fake. I have to be talking about serious stuff with someone, or talking about farts. Not much I can do passionately in between.

Anyway, I'm way off track. The presentation went well, yay!

Back to babies:

So I am doing an FET: Frozen Embryo Transfer. This is much less from a medication standpoint and visits to the office standpoint. yay. Now from a shot standpoint it could be much more...here's pretty much how it goes:

About 9 days - take birth control
About 2-3 weeks - take Lupron shots (to suppress ovulation) and estrogen pills (to encourage a nice think uterine lining for implantation).
5 days prior to embryo transfer - start the butt shots of progesterone because your body didn't ovulate so it thinks theres no way you could have a baby and need progesterone...surprise! The Dr will be transferring that little miracle, so yes you do need progesterone, so Matt will give me these shots.
TRANSFER
Then, more daily progesterone shots in the butt
If pregnant: continue progesterone up to 9 weeks
If not: be sad, but rebound and try again; yes, my love, try again.

So, I'm currently on day 2 of birth control, so we have a long way to go. Jan 12 is the estimated transfer day, so almost a month from today.

Oh, check this out, so I started my period last wednesday. It was glorious. I mean it totally sucked in that it was painful and I never realized i could bleed so much, but I felt a 100% rebound!! I had NO CLUE how crazy my mind and body felt until it went away. It was literally like the minute my period came, my body snapped back to normal. And so did my thinking and disposition. Not that I'd been moping around, but I'd be so exhausted and just "off." It's like my body needed to have a restart. I was almost euphoric. I also rejoiced in the fact that it was an emotionless period. First one of those in 4 years. For the past four years my period came with the slap in the face that I wasn't pregnant. This one just was. If anything, it was awesome because I could start my FET cycle. Yay for small things like happiness over your period.

That's about it. I've been strangely happier through this process. I guess because I'm hopeful again, and feel like I have more to look forward to again. Ohhh, the dread that it won't work out; it creeps in and tries to steal my joy. But I'm going to hold on to it. Could I get hurt? Sure. I could be devastated. But I'll survive. We live until we die, and infertility isn't deadly. It sucks. But life goes on (appropriate for this blog name).

Here's another oddity: I've lost 10 POUNDS during IVF. Ummm, why? It's odd. Those who know me know I love food, and stress does not affect my eating. Really nothing does. I have always looked in awe at those who "forget to eat." WHAT YOU SAY? But I have noticed I haven't been as interested in food (until my period came, and I'm telling you I was back to me again, but a better me!) Also, during the last 3 weeks I was either bloated from super huge ovaries, or the minor surgery, so big meals hurt. And, I can eat big meals (probably what keeps me at a healthy over vs. under the mid point weight I should be). Another biggie? Alcohol. Yes, I should have mentioned that first:) Not that I'm an alcoholic, but I could drink a bottle of wine in a night. We drink on the weekends and Thursdays, and I can drink a lot. I don't get drunk. Not that I'd go drive somewhere, but I just enjoy it, and am not super affected like stumbling, slurring, etc; and that's a lot of calories! So, I quit pretty much totally when I started shots with IVF. That was over a month ago, and I lost 5 pounds in a week following. So, between no alcohol (but a little), feeling like a bowling ball is in my gut, and being out of sorts and not thinking about food all the time (which was weird), I lost weight while most gain when taking those meds. I guess those chicks don't drink straight Jameson. kidding! Not about the Jameson, because I do like Jameson on ice, but I am kid-ish about the whole thing. Just think it's interesting.

It's just 'fun' witnessing the changes. The moods. The weight. The ups and downs. The pregnancy symptoms. The outbursts. The insane thoughts. The "i don't feel like myself." Just all of it has been so interesting, and then I started and felt like Amanda New and Improved! But hey, I did it! I made it, and 5 awesome embryos are hopefully waiting to be our kiddos. I'm cool with 5 kids. I'd be overjoyed. Shaa, it's a crazy load of responsibility, but I'm saying if 5 is how this plays out, give me 5! I'm just praying for at least 1.  Matt would be freaked out (thinking about it), but he'd be fine, too:) He'll be a better parent than I will. Now statistically, we'll have 50% of the embryos. Since we can't have a half, we should hopefully and prayerfully have 2-3 kiddos. That'd be the best miracle! I'm praying for that, but I'm okay with as many or as few (down to 0) children if that's God's will. I'll fight it if it's zero. But, only because i feel lead to be a mom. And until something happens that says, "Let it go Amanda, it's not for you" then I'm continuing on this path.

So, please pray for us and our embryos. I think about them often. Especially that little C+. Never underestimate persistence and stubbornness. That little guy wouldn't stop fighting and the dr, last minute, surprised, said "we checked it again, and it was good to freeze." It was funny. They called me Saturday and said they had 3, but were monitoring 2 more for Sunday. Sunday would be the last day before making the call. Sunday, they called and said 1 more made it. So, we had 4. Then, Monday, I called the dr to get the stats (a's, b's, c's, etc), and he said by the way, the other one made it, so you have 5. I picture that last one thinking, "no, I can do this, watch my cells multiply!!" And it did. I'm so proud of it.

And, I can't wait for the transfer. My heart is bursting with excitement and suspense.

Night Night! Amanda

We had our house on the Christmas Home Tour, so i had to get it ready way early in prep for bed rest. I would have been on bed rest this night. After Matt and I getting up early, cleaning, then hosting from 5-9pm, he said, "I'd have had to cancel this if you were on bed rest." It was a lot more work than I'd estimated:) but fun, and yay for having Christmas out to enjoy for all of December!

Matt took a picture of me practicing my presentation for our Executive Committee. So. Serious.

Christmas Parade night! Izaac, Woody, and Larry watch Ninja Turtles before the parade starts.

Parade time!

cheers! had the best time. Love my friends. They keep me sane and are true blessings:)

I took pics of H and AR for Christmas cards; this was one of many pictures, but thought it was cute! 

This was what i jotted down while on the phone with the dr at work; our embryos. Nicely displayed on a white board at the zone. So odd, but also sweet.

Day 40, 12/3, Updates on our Embryos!

I went back to work today. It was actually refreshing. I got super tired, and also noticed I was totally breathless when presenting to my boss's boss's boss today, and I kept having hot flashes. I thought I was losing it, but it turns out I think it's the prednisone. Damn steroid.

I got a lot done today, and was calm. I worked late, but again, it felt nice to go be productive and not stress over it. My boss's boss's boss informed me I'll be presenting to our executive committee on Monday, which includes my CEO. I didn't pass out. I'll just do it. I may end up venturing into a conversation and impromptu sans power point slide presentation on IVF, but that's okay. Because let's be honest. IVF has consumed my thoughts. The topic he has me presenting on has been the biggest project i've been working on over the last year, and I initially struggled with wrapping my brain around what that even was...have I mentioned I've poured myself into IVF? What's work?! I kind of forgot all the ins and outs of it, but it all came back to me today. My passion was back, and I know i'll be fine Monday. I may sweat more and I may get more 'emotional' than usual because I am a walking hormone, but I'm sure i'll live. I gave myself 30 shots. I can give a presentation.

So, that was my work story, now on to other important things....

The 'hard to understand' lab dr person called today with an update. As I mentioned in my last post, we had 7 fertilized embryos yesterday. Well, today we still have 7! 5 are grade A and 2 are grade B. That's not bad! Matt's boss said, "sounds like you have 5 Amanda's and 2 Matt's." Funny funny. If that's the case those B's will fight through because Matt can be stubborn as hell. The attrition rate still looks good and normal. I am prepared that we will lose some maybe many before we can freeze. They have to make it to day 5 remember....that goes for transferring and freezing in most cases.

I am praying that all 7 make it to freeze. If we ended up with 7 kids so be it, but statistically, if 7 made it to freeze, we may loose 1 in the unthawing, and there is no guarantee these will implant at transfer. Usually that is not the case. I'm trying not to sound greedy, but if the 7 can make it, then I encourage that. Let me end that thought with God knows what's going on and His will is being done whether it's 0 or 7 or somewhere in between. This is all perfect. Thats comforting to know. A lot of things i don't understand about life. I don't understand myself sometimes (okay, many times). I'm so flawed and sinful and gross sometimes, but I have total faith in God's perfect plan. Do I deserve it? Yes, because I'm saved through grace. But do I deserve it outside of that? noway dude. noway. I'm thankful for each day, each step, each lesson, each trial; it's all part of this perfect plan that leads us to a better place.

I'm trying to stay focused there.

No pics today. That's what happens when I go back to work. I get more boring...ha!
Amanda

Day 39, Dec. 2 - Things take a turn - more decisions!

I stayed home from work today. Day 1 after retrieval. I really just couldn't sleep and was still sore and hard to move around and pee. I felt better just taking a real, relaxing break at home, by myself, with my thoughts and God. Just needed to sort out this whirlwind we went through.

I called the nurse and talked about hypertimming. She put a word in for Dr. Ke (my original Dr to call me). It's just that hyperstimming can hurt me and the baby, so who is winning? Freezing the embryos allows my body to get back to mommy shape for me and the baby. I vote FET (frozen embryo transfer) ...but let me tell you what...that is hard. so hard to conceive right now. After all the mental prep, and shots, the fears, the facing of the fears, the pains, the confusion, I thought we'd be at transfer this week with a possible PREGNANCY in 2 weeks!

Life isn't always so straight forward like that. It's tricky tricky tricky TRICK!

I get a call from Dr Ke's office; could barely understand them, but heard, "They got 12 eggs, 10 were mature, 7 are now fertilized." Well, yay! They're pushing through. Hope and pray and hope and pray that these 7 make it to healthy transfer states! I know that's statistically low of a chance, but I can dream. I do it every day. (with a pinch of realism like, "hey you'e been infertile for 4 years...oh yeahhhhh, that). Screw it. I still dream.

Knowing this I start my Amanda mini panics and worry that what if we're left with 2 5 day blastocysts (very good quality for transfer to utereus)...do we freeze these and risk a 10% reduction in the unthawing process? AH! or do we implant now and pray our self non stop that I don't hyper stim.

The Dr calls me a few hours later, "Amanda! It's Dr Ke! Well, we didn't have to worry about freezing eggs in excess of 15 after all did we?" Me: half laugh, "yeah what happened with that??" He gave me some biological or scientific explanation about my follicles being on the top, but usually some are under those, but none of mine were...so, whatever that makes no sense, but I'm resting in it...because let's get real. Matt and I REQUESTED to freeze any EGGS over 15. We didn't want to go irresponsibly making embryos making us the duggars (that's their deal, but i don't think it's quite ours). We ended up going against that because it required ICSI (they force a sperm in an egg vs. natural fertilization in a petri dish). We decided we wanted to go as al natural as possible for a process much guided not by nature, and took off the freeze over 15 limit. Hence, why Dr. Ke made his joke. There was no need for freezing in excess of 15, because we got 12:)

We got 12 eggs. NOT 15, gah! But I got his point. Very strange when you're going in with 37 follies and 17 are measuring mature, and another 14 are small (but some should become mature over a day or so), and I get 12. I'm not being greedy just hoping nothing was messed up or confused or could be learned from from this misunderstanding of what was going down. That's all.

We're happy with our numbers 12 to 10 to 7. Dr. Ke said it's a very good attrition rate and thinks we are good for transfer. We discuss the freeze vs fresh transfer. He calls out my risk to hyperstim, but says he "FEELS" that i'm just not going to. Well, i trust intuition, i do...but maybe not right here right now. There is a 100% chance I won't get it if I go through another cycle then transfer my snow babies. So my heart is there. Why subject my health to possible risk, and also the baby. There are miscarriages due to the mother getting this OHSS while early pregnant. It''s just too soon and too hard on both.

So, here we go ladies and gents. You thought this story was nearing the end for a BFP or BFN (see how I put my preference first)

Well, that's not going to happen for a while. Longer than I'd like, but I completely feel confident in this decision. Matt and I have gotten to it a number of different ways and we always come back to Freezing then transfer in several weeks. LET'S DO THIS! Bring on the shots, bring on the butt shots, and bring on the emotion. We're just getting started.

But honestly, i'm done (For now) with being afraid and assuming my experience should be a certain way. It's not. I'm not everyone. Who could have ever known I'd hyperstim...well, the dr.'s if they looked at my levels and knew I was triggering with HCG, but they DID reduce the HCG....the way it was explained to me, once you're on that protocol, you're on it; there's no going back, so now it comes down to 'do we transfer fresh, or do we wait and transfer frozen.'

We know our answer, but I'm still diligently taking my awesome vaginal cream progesterone, and antibiotics, and prednazone, just in case I have a weird mind change. Dr. Ke ended in saying, he would do the transfer, or he would do the freeze. It's completely up to me and what I feel i can handle at this point...is waiting worse than possibly dealing with OHSS, or is OHSS worse than waiting. I'm the latter. Having a terrible sickness that could keep me out of work for a while, and blow me up like a balloon with 30 pounds and NO cure is a risk...and not to mention what that could do to my new embryo. He said the success rate should be the same both ways, so it's up to me.

So, his suggestion was let's talk Thursday...by then I will have a good idea of how my blastys will make it to 5 day. They make 80% of all blasts make it to 5 day because they're usually stronger.

My fears? You name them. I'm worried 7 fertilized can turn to 1, and 1 gets frozen, and 1 doesn't survive the freeze. I'm concerned that we could have 3 frozen, but none of them stick. You name it; i've worried over it.

But i had a revelation walking around my house today (because i needed to walk around to encourage healing of my lady biz) and I was talking out loud to myself all motivationally, "YOU can do this. YOU are strong. Do NOT give up. I LOVE YOU and you will be okay. Don't stop fighting for what you believe in.

I want to be a mom. This isn't something I gush over to family and friends. I see others' realities, and the pains they can be, and the struggle and responsibility, and all the scary stuff. But I want to be a mom. I'd be a great mom. Maybe not in traditional terms, but i mean, i would love and have fun with that kid. I will raise the kid to be a good person; to be very familiar with the greatest gift of all: Love. Because I have loved this kid(s) with all my heart for a good long time. I haven't seen him, her, or them, but I've written them letters of advice, bought them outfits, ya know the normal I don't have a baby but want one things. There's nothing wrong with that. Ladies, don't stop. It's a beautiful sentiment. These babies are out there, and we will be their mom. We'll be damn good moms. And not a day will go by that I won't remember this fight, and what it took to get me there; and on some days my journey will seem like nothing compared to the new journey I'll be on in parenting. But i'll be prepared for facing journeys with hope and strength, and trust in the Lord. WE CAN DO THIS.
I'm hanging in there.

So we will do the FET (frozen). The process puts us back several weeks. I thought it didn't contain shots, but oh oh oh was I wrong. Theyyyy'rrreee bbaaaaacckkkk! Lupron shots for 2.5 weeks to keep you from ovulating, estrogen supplements to encourage a nice soft and thick uterine lining, and then the fun Projesterone shots in the butt! These are different than the trigger because they continue for, what's that you say, that's right NINE WEEKS! every night. Well yaaaahoooo! At least at this point you are pregnant, so the motivation will be much better for enduring the shots in the butt.

I took this in. I wanted to scream. Pull my hair out. Pout. Quit my job quit everything and just throw myself into this process because it's going to be a lot again. But no. New attitude. This will not consume me. It'll be my big priority. But I can do this. I'll give a shot in the bathroom at work, I'll learn to give my butt shot so we don't have to coordinate things so strictly. We are still going to get the ability to live life. I'll just keep my meds on hand and always know the administration time. This will work without each and every night being a big set up stage, then talking through the motions, then icing, then shot, then icing. I can ice all right, but I'll do that while I'm talking to a friend. No more total life hiding and no more keeping my head down at work in hopes I won't be given a lot of new projects. I know things move around when you have something important going on, but it was developing into an obsession. I wasn't thinking of much but that. Understandable. But now I can chill more. It's going to be finnnnne. Just fine. And we are going after a sweet cuddly baby, and maybe more sibling babies. We just have to wait longer. And we're PROS at waiting longer. Watch us go, we've got this!
Love to all my family and friends.
Without you, without God, I'd have cried at least 3 more times than I did/day:) kidding, it'd be more,  but I seriously don't know how anyone could do this without an army of support. I lean on you more than you know. Everyday. I lean on you,
Much love, Amanda

Some pics to end on.

Just thought it was funny. You know you're doing IVF, when you go to the meat drawer in the fridge, and find your stimulant and suppression meds. Lovely.

I so was good today. Haven't been hungry, but need to eat salty and proteins. My belly feels so full I don't wanna! But i thought if I made it pretty  and a variety it'd work. And I tricked myself and ate it all, but the muscle milk.

There is water with lemon, V8, prenatals, greek yogurt with granola, flax seed, chia seed, and protein powered (it got wild), veggie chips, tomatoes, hummus, Newk's pimento cheese, and muscle milk.

It was REALLY good!

For dinner, Matt made salmon, cheesy potatoes, and spinach. It was yummy!

Day 38 - 12/1 - Egg Retrieval Day

Wowza. This day was emotional. I had no idea I had all this built up anxiety and emotion, but it was boiling. First let me try and summarize what I'm doing at this point:

Egg Retrieval: The day the dr goes in with a tiny hollow needle through your vaginal wall, aspirates your follicles and retrieves all of the eggs possible. This procedure is pretty quick, but requires sedation (i was put to sleep for about 30-45 minutes). Expected recovery is not bad unless you hyper stimulate. Reminder, hyper stimulation (OHSS) is when your poor swollen ovaries have had enough, and you basically leak fluid into your abdomen. It is triggered by the presence of HCG and can get very severe (rarely life threatening) if you are to get pregnant since pregnancy releases more HCG. If you aren't pregnant it passes in 7-10 days after your HCG shot. If you are, it can last up until 12 weeks, and in many cases cause complications or miscarriage. So...let's hope to avoid this nasty little illness. But, keep in mind, I meet most of the risk factors, and have been warned it is a possibility, but hopefully only a mild case.

Okay, so back to the day. I woke up, no shower, no make up, no deodorant (baby eggs don't like fragrances, so this is required, not just me being nasty).

We drive with me half dozing because I didn't sleep enough, and arrive for our 7:30 check in about 7:10. We get checked in, and Matt is called upstairs to do his biz (release the sperms!!!), and I'm left waiting to get prepped. I go back, Matt is still gone, and here begins the frightful/anxious Amanda time. My blood pressure (which is usually 110/70) was 145/70; i'm in a panicky form. My heart is racing. The nurse is asking all these questions, and I keep thinking, "i need to talk to the Dr so I can understand these OHSS risks, and understand what his 'thinking' is around this...is the goal to get all the eggs? is the goal to get the mature ones? what can I expect after surgery? is my risk too high to be able to transfer?' just racing thoughts that I should have given up to God. But I didn't at the time even though I tried. I needed Matt, too.

I move on to the next room to put my sexy backless gown, socks, and hair net thing on. I struggle to secure the tie in any way, so I'm just chillin' with my butt checks out. Whatevs.

I sit in this weird puffy chair that's all warm, and the nurse wraps my legs in warm blankets. She tells me she's going to get my IV started, and asks where my husband is. Well, he's in the waiting room still to give the dang sperm! (why didn't they coordinate this better). Then, she struggles with my veins...not her fault, they are stupid small and roll easily. She gives up on my hand veins, and goes for my WRIST vein. Be warned. This is painful. She tells me it will hurt, so she's giving me a shot of a numbing agent (but that hurt like crap, too!)...so now I'm getting weepy because why oh why are my veins small why can't this just work as normal and where is Matt or the Dr. Well, my wrist swells up some because it's pissed, but after a few attempts and moving it all around (ugh, gross and painful) the IV is in and she tapes it down. Thank you, Lord.

Small veins ain't easy

She goes to leave, asks if I've heard from Matt (i really don't want to interrupt the sperm giving), and then I start to cry. All I can muster up to say is, "i'm sorry, I'm sad," in the wimpiest smallest voice I've heard. (good choice of words, no shiz sherlock you're crying). Then, this all-business nurse turned softer and told me some story about her brother's wife who had IVF and was all emotional the whole time. It was a nice attempt to be compassionate, but I was just too sad to be consoled at this point.

She leaves me to relax (right, like I'm going to be able to), and I do make big attempts to calm the hell down. Deep breaths, praying, and trying to laugh. Carrie texts me, and that opened the door for me to share with her that i'm having a breakdown. She totally cheered me up by sending this ridiculous video we'd made of us booty dancing using the slo-mo feature on the iPhone. It's hilarious and entertaining for us. That made me feel so much better and remember other days (just months ago) when I didn't have the IVF weight on me and was shaking my tail with no pain in my ovaries. It was what I needed. A glimpse of the more carefree Amanda life. I can do this.

The dr came in and I began the questions. I was calm and not crying now. He was VERY helpful. He wasn't my normal Dr, actually the youngest in the group of 3, and I'd never met him, but he was very informative. He confirmed the risk of OHSS, but said there is nothing I can do about that today. The protocol i was on (with the HCG trigger) can't be reversed, and the best thing to do at this point is to go retrieve every egg he can. He said leaving eggs in there could actually make it worse. This was comforting because I was afraid that they'd get all these eggs and THAT would make it worse, but it was the opposite. He also recommended freezing the embryos (hoping and praying we have some). There are better success rates, lower miscarriage rates, lower premature rates, and higher live birth rates by freezing.

This is not to say that a fresh transfer is bad...this is to say that me being high risk OHSS plays a factor here because if I did hyperstim AFTER getting pregnant the complications could compound and hurt the baby and me. But, even without that, he said they have gotten so much better at the freezing process that giving my body (ovaries and hormones) a month to reset and get normal again (not to mention the emotional stress reduction) would be a better environment to implant the embryo. This all makes sense to me. But...let's not get ahead of ourselves. I do appreciate him covering all these questions before putting me under, though. It gave me the positive and hopeful outlook I needed after the last 3 days of stressing that this process was at risk of failing and/or I was in a health risk.

Again, fresh transfer works just as well, too! It depends much on your protocol and your clinic. With my clinic and my protocol he said freezing looked like a great option and higher success rate. Let me pause because I feel like I'm glooming and dooming...my success rate was estimated in the mid to upper 60%'s, so I am NOT complaining. It's just hard not to obsess over all speed bumps and possibilities. So, all in all, I'm in great shape, blessed, and thankful for my statistical success rate prediction. The average is somewhere between 40-50%, so I'm happy with where I am.

And honestly, this could all change based on my embryos. I may still do a fresh transfer (fresh is when they transfer the embryos 3-5 days after they retrieve and fertilize the eggs vs. freezing to transfer later). At this point it will be a daily assessment.

Anyway, I got sidetracked.

So, good talk with the dr. Then, the anesthesiologist comes in, talks to me, then two nurses come in and lead me to the operating room. I lie down, the nurse calls out that it's 8:47, then the other nurse says, "i'm going to administer a small amount of medication to help you relax" (and it does, I feel slightly drunk and disoriented)...and I remember asking, "am I about to go to sleep?" and that was it.

Next, I woke up in a recovery room to THE NICEST NURSE. And, no that wasn't just due to the anesthetics. She was so kind. She said I did well, and asked if she wanted me to go get Matt. Well, yeah! I hadn't seen him since 7:30, and last I did was text him I was going back. Matt comes back, I start crying, and am noticing all the pain i'm in. The nurse gives me some percocet, but 10 minutes later it still sucks, and I get more. Couldn't have been a lot because I was pretty coherent and not really sleepy. The tough part is you're instructed to take tylenol after departure. I take that as  good sign, meaning they don't expect the pain to last very long!

Good morning!

Lookin' rough!

My attempt at a smile.

Matt told me they retrieved 12 eggs. YAY! That's a good number. Funny, because based on my follicles it looked like I had 30-35 total, and 17 mature, and I was worried that was a crazy thing, but 12 is pretty common. Although the dr assured me that egg count had no correlation to OHSS, it was nice to be 'average' on this. Now my hope and prayer is that the 12 eggs are all in great shape, fertilized, and leave us with some great looking blastocysts to transfer or freeze! Ideally, we'd have about 5-6 which would likely result in 1-3 kiddos (if all works out, and if it's God's will).

The odds are a bit against that number. Using the lower limit of the range on egg retrieval vs. fertilization rate vs. transferrable eggs and live births, we're looking more like we have a chance at 1 baby maybe two from this process. That's okay! 1 is a blessing, and would make my heart leap with joy.

So I recovered some, then we went home. Stopped at Newk's first. I'm walking like a grandma and can't sit up straight. I keep thinking i have to pee. I have a large amount of pressure on my rectum and vagina (oh hey, TMI again), but I am guessing that's from swelling and fluid. It sadly reminds me of my ectopic pain when I had blood in my abdomen, but that got WAY worse and progressed to complete sweating/high blood pressure/crying type pain. This is not that. This is just a mild, ouch to walk, ouch to pee, and ouch to stand up pain. I can handle this.

We also stopped by Walgreens to get my meds (antibiotic and steroid), and I picked up some more beef jerky, V8, and then what became my new security blanket...for freakin' $14.99! This thing made me so happy! I call it the grey bear.

So, i got home and ate broccoli and cheese soup and half a pimento cheese sandwich. It was like LOVE! I was so hungry. Then, i was going to try and Cyber Monday shop, but passed out for 3 hours.

I got up later, and have been making myself drink V8 juice, water, and snack on beef jerky. I also finished all Christmas shopping. Matt made me Campbell's tomato soup and a protein shake for dinner. All about the salt, protein and hydration. I'm going to fight this OHSS risk! I feel okay, but from reading other people's recovery, I think my bloating/pain especially is likely due to fluid. Prayers prayers and more prayers for it to be absorbed by my salt intake and flushed out. My gosh, with as many times as I've peed today (probably 1 every hour or so) I am hoping it's doing the trick.

Feeling better

My set up: computer, beef jerky, books, and magazines

Tomorrow, I should get a call from the nurse telling me what my fertilized egg count is. I am prepared that it could be 0-12. There is no way I can control this at ALL. I'm trusting God's will...much better than I was earlier today while waiting on the procedure. Although I will be devastated if none are fertilized, I will not lose hope. I can do this process again, and they will know much more as to why it didn't work, and they'll adjust my protocol accordingly. Yes, this is expensive. But...we currently have the means, and thankfully Matt has good insurance, and it's all worth it in the end. I'd rather spend money on this than anything I can think of right now. It could be the best Christmas gift we ever give each other; but at the end of the day, money doesn't buy this; God does this all. We could spend a fortune on it, and it never work. We could not have the funds to do this, and God supply a child some other way. We could never be parents, and learn to accept it. There are no guarantees. We only go after what we believe in our hearts to be right, and trust that everything works out.

Not that I won't cry my face off.

But, it will be okay. It always is.

So, rather than leave on that "ooooh, so many sad possibilities" let's talk about how I'm feeling well and my 12 eggs are mating with Matt's sperm. HA! Go get em sperm!!! You can do it!

It's okay to laugh, and it's okay to cry:) I've done my share of both in this process. That's life. The best part is I get to share it with Matt, and God has taken care of us and will continue to forever.

Thankful, Amanda



some ending notes...

Below was the last exchange from Matt and me...he had made it to his 'delivery room' and I was about to go into my operating room. HA!

He was trying to cheer me up and I appreciate that. From the look of my picture I was far from humor at the time....so serious, sad, and scared! I didn't mean to take that picture; it was that new feature on the iPhone where it sends the pic before you review it. But, it captured my feelings:) and my incredible hair net!

He was disappointed he didn't get the room with a lazy boy this time...

Day 36 - Nov 29 - Dr Visit, and OH MY TRIGGER SHOT DAY!!!!!!!!!!!

So I haven't been sleeping well. I have the 6am wake up for shots, and since I've been off for Thanksgiving I've been staying up too late, waking up too early for shots, then not taking a nap. Maybe this is prep for a baby!! :)

So, sleep deprived, swollen from meds, swollen gut, tired, shots are tiring, here I am, giving my menopur shot before we take off for my Saturday 8am level check and ultrasound appt.

GOOD MORNING! Here's a shot

Did I mention I was tired. I really am so tired in many ways. The shots are stressful. The Dr. said this would be my hardest week. He was right. We were supposed to go to Oxford for the Ole Miss vs. State game. My swollen gut and sleepiness and unknown of when we'll trigger made us stay back. Good thing...

I took this pic to document my ever growing ovaries. They are so large and tired. Dear Lord, please let us progress through this because i am so tired and my ovaries are so large and sore.

On the way to the Dr. Matt was a trooper and came with me even though there was really nothing special going on for this other than we're both off work, so yay, excuse to go to dr then get a good breakfast in Memphis! :)

I wasn't too surprised based on my last check ups...lots of follicles and they're super large!! Surely we're ready to trigger any day now. I'm VERY thankful for growing follicles, but can't help but be nervous of high estrogen levels and too many follicles than what's safe to not hyper stimulate (which would result in a cancelled transfer). 

Matt and I just stared at the screen...my ovaries look like circles of swiss cheese. The holes represent follicles. 

The ultra sound tech was so nice. Really everyone at the dr.'s office is so nice; they actually talk to you and tell you what's going on, AND they leave the results on the screen and I sneak pics:) Below is my top 10 follicles and their count.

I have 17 mature, and 14 small....i wonder if there are more because last time I had 37 total. Either way, these are good and high numbers.

We go to eat at West St Diner. Matt's pretty pumped.

I'm excited too though you can't tell here.

okay, there's the excitement.

And that's my sexy, sensual face. 

Woop! The food. My abdomen was so swollen I could only eat half. But by golly, I took the rest home and ate it around 4pm. I was eating the cream cheese (that I requested for my bread) out of the packet which grossed Matt out, but oh my it was amazing.

So, we get some news from the nurse.

I WILL TRIGGER TONIGHT!!!!

Why the sad face? I can't explain. I'm overwhelmed, I'm scared. I broke down as I got off the phone with the nurse. My estrogen is 3500 which is high. I have 4 of the 5 biggest risk factors for hyper stimulation (which can cancel a transfer, be mild, moderate, severe, or life threatening), and that's just freaking me out. The dr lowered my trigger shot dosage to a half dose to ward off hyperstimming, so hopefully all will be well. Thankful that my ovaries and eggs are in super great condition, but worried that I've stressed them too much. This whole time we've lived with believing my tubes were my infertility cause and so far in this process, all signs still point to that by the response of my other 'reproductive parts.' you go ovaries, follicles and eggs! But just don't go toooo much, please. 

Prayers, prayers, prayers for a successful retrieval, recover, transfer, recovery, then BFP and healthy pregnancy. I know it's a lot to ask, but those are my prayers! 

Gosh, there is not a lack for things to stress over during this:)

So, I'm doing what I do: internet indulging....leading to more tears (did I mention I'm also taking a lot of hormones?) but seriously, this is very scary. It's easy to think, hey IVF is the answer to my infertility, but as you go through it you start to have thoughts like, "maybe I'm pushing my body too hard, I'm healthy why am i subjecting myself to these complications, maybe my body wasn't made to reproduce," etc. I know, positive thinking. I'll get back to that, but for this time being, I'm internet obsessing and crying over negative case possibilities.....

Supposedly high protein and salt/low sugar and fat helps to reduce hyper stemming possibilities...so Matt went to Kroger....i'm ready from a diet front:

Matt preps for the trigger shot (HCG)

This is the big one...

He looks way too happy about this.

He and Larry prepare my big shot with lots of love and care

I'm obviously thrilled!

Another gut documentation...i measured and weighed myself so I can keep close monitoring of hyper stimulation possibilities.

Um, I should have measured than lovely double chin. What the crap!!??

Matt's notes (left)...My notes (right) for the HCG shot; so maybe I over do it sometimes...

Day 31-33, November 24-26 - updates and I'm going a little crazy

I went to the Dr this morning. They only did blood work. They called back that afternoon and told me to continue with my meds and come back Wednesday morning. My epidiol levels were 273. That's pretty high which is good. You don't want it too high, but that's not too high.

This day was weird; i had two dizzy spells, and then felt out of it all night. I called the nurse and she said hormones can make you feel all kinds of weird.
Let me put it this way: it's actually Wednesday and I'm updating the blog while watching the Kourtney and Khloe take the Hamptons or whatever...i just started crying when Scott Disek went to rehab because he left all these toys for his kids and Kourtney was sad she didn't get to say goodbye before he left. WTF.
There is some understanding when crying over sweet commercials with babies and animals, but seriously?!?!?! This is where I am right now....crying over Kourtney and Scott.

Anyway.

Matt and I moved back into our house Monday. It was nice because I had some house work to do. I went to the grocery store after work, got home and took my meds about 15 after 7 (eek), then ironed until almost 9. We had fish...it was okay.

Tuesday was fine. I'm definitely hormonal. Don't like that! I feel so tired and just not like myself. I made it through work, then got home and made cheesecake. It was a disaster because I had a small spring form plan, but the recipe was for a larger one. The crust ended up taking up like a full inch...ha! Oh well, whatevs, it'll still taste like cheesecake.

WEDNESDAY - oh wednesday, november 26, you will live on in infamy.

CAN WE SAY HORMONES?!?!?!?!?

I had to go back to the dr this day. I cried twice in the Dr's office. I had my levels checked and my follicles counted measured. They want at least 4 measurable follicles to continue with the cycle. I had eleven. 5 on one 6 on the other. In total, counting the smaller ones that could turn into larger ones, I have 37. Yes, 37. My ultrasound tech asked if I could feel my ovary. Well....no. I don't think so. She said it would feel heavy and painful. She was surprised i didn't feel it.

So after leaving, I get worried I'll hyperstim or ovulate. The ultrasound tech said my uterus looked thick enough already...i'm like, okay uterus you better get in a holding pattern because we've got about 5 more days, okay?!?

The nurse calls me later and tells me to continue the same dosage and come back Saturday. Well, with tomorrow being Thanksgiving,  I just worry; like maybe I should go in Friday so they can check and just be sure I'm not about to pop!! I'm so very anxious over the possibility (although rare) that I could ovulate on my own, and then this is all over; they'll have to cancel.

Matt said I have to trust the Dr's and the process and most of all God. I know that. I'm doing what I'm told; i'm not the Dr, so i'm doing my best to do what I'm told. For example, Lupron is the suppressing drug I'm on...it keeps the ovulation from happening. Tonight I was SO extra careful to measure my dosage erring on the side of heavy and also I HAVE to be sure I'm very close to the same time each day. i have been good being right around 7, but it can waiver from 6:40-7:15....i'm going to try and be right on 7 again.

Anyway, i have all that going through my mind. And, I just feel crappy. By the end of the day my right side DOES HURT. It's just aching. Feels a lot like menstrual cramps but just such a feeling of fullness as well. Achy and full. And right in time for Thanksgiving I can't stuff myself...at least not at one sitting; i'll have to spread it out.

Well, I was all worried about ovulating or hyper stimulating, and Matt finally called the nurse. Thank the Lord for him because he takes action quickly. The nurse said this basically, "she's going to be bloated, feel very full, be in pain, be emotional, not want to wear real pants (YES!), and all of this is normal because currently her ovaries are bigger than her uterus." Okay, what what?? If you've ever seen any anatomy picture, the ovaries are not close tot he uterus size. So, this explained it all to me better. She said hyperstimming usually doesn't present itself until after egg transfer, and she said that ovulating is a possibility, but i'm at no more risk than anyone else, and it's rare. I am trying SO HARD to just trust God and let my worries go.

So, if all this wasn't enough, I go to my parents house, and start making my taco soup (we always do a Mexican Fiesta the night before Thanksgiving). We say it's to stretch our stomachs. Well, we usually look forward to this more than thanksgiving almost. I was just not feeling it already. I was pissy, and bloated, and just tired tired tired. My hand and arm hurt from using the can opener. Honestly, my muscles are fatigued from typing right now. It's ridiculous. no energy. Well, i do my shots, finish my soup, then after we sit down for dinner (without going into detail), my brother and I have a quick but mighty knock down drag out. I don't want to go into all the detail, but it was saddening. What a disappointing Thanksgiving Eve. It was like we were on a reality show; our family. We're not a dramatic family, but this night goes up there on drama level. Just ALL levels of drama, and coming from all angles (not just my IVF). But of course, the lovely hormones made this terrible to deal with. I'm still reeling from it in a way. I'll get over it. I really wish I could explain it all. It wasn't just hormone laced, there was substance a lot there, but that's a whole other blog. The good news is all is well. We chatted for a while and everything is lovely. But now I'm just sitting on my couch feeling my ovary try and bust out of my side, and I'm just emotionally drained and spent. My Dr. warned me that Thanksgiving week would be my hardest week in this whole process. He was damn right. DAMN. RIGHT.

I'm so worn out. Thankful? Absolutely. But I'm moody as hell, crying at everything, tired of shots, worried, and I just need to let it all go. But good gosh it's hard when your hormones are astronomical! And with each shot i give I think "well there's an emotional meltdown to come." HA!

All that said, I truly am thankful, things are looking good and I am so ready to get to Saturday and see how the follicles and levels are going. I'm hoping and praying I go in for retrieval this Sunday or Monday. Really hopeful for that.

Peace! Amanda

PS Just cried again because French bought Khloe a Jeep for her 30th birthday and it was so sweet when they hug. someone put me away!!!!