I called the nurse and talked about hypertimming. She put a word in for Dr. Ke (my original Dr to call me). It's just that hyperstimming can hurt me and the baby, so who is winning? Freezing the embryos allows my body to get back to mommy shape for me and the baby. I vote FET (frozen embryo transfer) ...but let me tell you what...that is hard. so hard to conceive right now. After all the mental prep, and shots, the fears, the facing of the fears, the pains, the confusion, I thought we'd be at transfer this week with a possible PREGNANCY in 2 weeks!
Life isn't always so straight forward like that. It's tricky tricky tricky TRICK!
I get a call from Dr Ke's office; could barely understand them, but heard, "They got 12 eggs, 10 were mature, 7 are now fertilized." Well, yay! They're pushing through. Hope and pray and hope and pray that these 7 make it to healthy transfer states! I know that's statistically low of a chance, but I can dream. I do it every day. (with a pinch of realism like, "hey you'e been infertile for 4 years...oh yeahhhhh, that). Screw it. I still dream.
Knowing this I start my Amanda mini panics and worry that what if we're left with 2 5 day blastocysts (very good quality for transfer to utereus)...do we freeze these and risk a 10% reduction in the unthawing process? AH! or do we implant now and pray our self non stop that I don't hyper stim.
The Dr calls me a few hours later, "Amanda! It's Dr Ke! Well, we didn't have to worry about freezing eggs in excess of 15 after all did we?" Me: half laugh, "yeah what happened with that??" He gave me some biological or scientific explanation about my follicles being on the top, but usually some are under those, but none of mine were...so, whatever that makes no sense, but I'm resting in it...because let's get real. Matt and I REQUESTED to freeze any EGGS over 15. We didn't want to go irresponsibly making embryos making us the duggars (that's their deal, but i don't think it's quite ours). We ended up going against that because it required ICSI (they force a sperm in an egg vs. natural fertilization in a petri dish). We decided we wanted to go as al natural as possible for a process much guided not by nature, and took off the freeze over 15 limit. Hence, why Dr. Ke made his joke. There was no need for freezing in excess of 15, because we got 12:)
We got 12 eggs. NOT 15, gah! But I got his point. Very strange when you're going in with 37 follies and 17 are measuring mature, and another 14 are small (but some should become mature over a day or so), and I get 12. I'm not being greedy just hoping nothing was messed up or confused or could be learned from from this misunderstanding of what was going down. That's all.
We're happy with our numbers 12 to 10 to 7. Dr. Ke said it's a very good attrition rate and thinks we are good for transfer. We discuss the freeze vs fresh transfer. He calls out my risk to hyperstim, but says he "FEELS" that i'm just not going to. Well, i trust intuition, i do...but maybe not right here right now. There is a 100% chance I won't get it if I go through another cycle then transfer my snow babies. So my heart is there. Why subject my health to possible risk, and also the baby. There are miscarriages due to the mother getting this OHSS while early pregnant. It''s just too soon and too hard on both.
So, here we go ladies and gents. You thought this story was nearing the end for a BFP or BFN (see how I put my preference first)
Well, that's not going to happen for a while. Longer than I'd like, but I completely feel confident in this decision. Matt and I have gotten to it a number of different ways and we always come back to Freezing then transfer in several weeks. LET'S DO THIS! Bring on the shots, bring on the butt shots, and bring on the emotion. We're just getting started.
But honestly, i'm done (For now) with being afraid and assuming my experience should be a certain way. It's not. I'm not everyone. Who could have ever known I'd hyperstim...well, the dr.'s if they looked at my levels and knew I was triggering with HCG, but they DID reduce the HCG....the way it was explained to me, once you're on that protocol, you're on it; there's no going back, so now it comes down to 'do we transfer fresh, or do we wait and transfer frozen.'
We know our answer, but I'm still diligently taking my awesome vaginal cream progesterone, and antibiotics, and prednazone, just in case I have a weird mind change. Dr. Ke ended in saying, he would do the transfer, or he would do the freeze. It's completely up to me and what I feel i can handle at this point...is waiting worse than possibly dealing with OHSS, or is OHSS worse than waiting. I'm the latter. Having a terrible sickness that could keep me out of work for a while, and blow me up like a balloon with 30 pounds and NO cure is a risk...and not to mention what that could do to my new embryo. He said the success rate should be the same both ways, so it's up to me.
So, his suggestion was let's talk Thursday...by then I will have a good idea of how my blastys will make it to 5 day. They make 80% of all blasts make it to 5 day because they're usually stronger.
My fears? You name them. I'm worried 7 fertilized can turn to 1, and 1 gets frozen, and 1 doesn't survive the freeze. I'm concerned that we could have 3 frozen, but none of them stick. You name it; i've worried over it.
But i had a revelation walking around my house today (because i needed to walk around to encourage healing of my lady biz) and I was talking out loud to myself all motivationally, "YOU can do this. YOU are strong. Do NOT give up. I LOVE YOU and you will be okay. Don't stop fighting for what you believe in.
I want to be a mom. This isn't something I gush over to family and friends. I see others' realities, and the pains they can be, and the struggle and responsibility, and all the scary stuff. But I want to be a mom. I'd be a great mom. Maybe not in traditional terms, but i mean, i would love and have fun with that kid. I will raise the kid to be a good person; to be very familiar with the greatest gift of all: Love. Because I have loved this kid(s) with all my heart for a good long time. I haven't seen him, her, or them, but I've written them letters of advice, bought them outfits, ya know the normal I don't have a baby but want one things. There's nothing wrong with that. Ladies, don't stop. It's a beautiful sentiment. These babies are out there, and we will be their mom. We'll be damn good moms. And not a day will go by that I won't remember this fight, and what it took to get me there; and on some days my journey will seem like nothing compared to the new journey I'll be on in parenting. But i'll be prepared for facing journeys with hope and strength, and trust in the Lord. WE CAN DO THIS.
I'm hanging in there.
So we will do the FET (frozen). The process puts us back several weeks. I thought it didn't contain shots, but oh oh oh was I wrong. Theyyyy'rrreee bbaaaaacckkkk! Lupron shots for 2.5 weeks to keep you from ovulating, estrogen supplements to encourage a nice soft and thick uterine lining, and then the fun Projesterone shots in the butt! These are different than the trigger because they continue for, what's that you say, that's right NINE WEEKS! every night. Well yaaaahoooo! At least at this point you are pregnant, so the motivation will be much better for enduring the shots in the butt.
I took this in. I wanted to scream. Pull my hair out. Pout. Quit my job quit everything and just throw myself into this process because it's going to be a lot again. But no. New attitude. This will not consume me. It'll be my big priority. But I can do this. I'll give a shot in the bathroom at work, I'll learn to give my butt shot so we don't have to coordinate things so strictly. We are still going to get the ability to live life. I'll just keep my meds on hand and always know the administration time. This will work without each and every night being a big set up stage, then talking through the motions, then icing, then shot, then icing. I can ice all right, but I'll do that while I'm talking to a friend. No more total life hiding and no more keeping my head down at work in hopes I won't be given a lot of new projects. I know things move around when you have something important going on, but it was developing into an obsession. I wasn't thinking of much but that. Understandable. But now I can chill more. It's going to be finnnnne. Just fine. And we are going after a sweet cuddly baby, and maybe more sibling babies. We just have to wait longer. And we're PROS at waiting longer. Watch us go, we've got this!
Love to all my family and friends.
Without you, without God, I'd have cried at least 3 more times than I did/day:) kidding, it'd be more, but I seriously don't know how anyone could do this without an army of support. I lean on you more than you know. Everyday. I lean on you,
Much love, Amanda
Some pics to end on.
Just thought it was funny. You know you're doing IVF, when you go to the meat drawer in the fridge, and find your stimulant and suppression meds. Lovely.
I so was good today. Haven't been hungry, but need to eat salty and proteins. My belly feels so full I don't wanna! But i thought if I made it pretty and a variety it'd work. And I tricked myself and ate it all, but the muscle milk.
There is water with lemon, V8, prenatals, greek yogurt with granola, flax seed, chia seed, and protein powered (it got wild), veggie chips, tomatoes, hummus, Newk's pimento cheese, and muscle milk.
It was REALLY good!
For dinner, Matt made salmon, cheesy potatoes, and spinach. It was yummy!
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