This was written in September 2012 - so long ago! I wanted to start as far back as my drafts went:)
I won't forget September 12. It was the day I found out that I wouldn't be having a baby after all. Here's a little back story: Matt and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year now. It started with me getting off of birth control in March 2011 prior to a trip to Europe. We thought we'd go with the "don't try, but don't "not" try" method for a while. Beginning about July 2011, we started "timing" with what I thought was my cycle, just by counting days, and thinking somewhere around day 14 was the most fertile.
After a few months of being unsuccessful at that, I began using ovulation kits in October 2011. I thought that'd do the trick; pee on a stick, get a smiley face, and you're golden! That didn't work either, so a few months later, Matt went to have tests run to make sure all checked out for him. It was now January 2012, and his tests came back perfect! yay! We started with him because it's cheaper and easier:) By March, I was beginning to feel frustrated and a little down, so I went to my dr. again, and expressed my concern over not being successful, yet. I used to do statistics in my every day job, so I can't help but throw statistics at things to make sense of them, and I knew statistically, we were now an exception, or not 'the norm.' That concerned me, but I was still hopeful.
The Dr. said I could try Clomid. I got the prescription, but decided not to take it for a couple of months. I kept thinking THIS will be the month. Toward the end of May, I decided to go for it. 3 rounds of 50mg clomid later (so 3 months later), nothing. So, now I'm counting days, peeing on ovulation sticks, taking clomid, and feeling a bit put out with the process. Still hopeful, though. Every month I'm just as convinced as the last that this is the month. Now, we've gotten to August, and I had a weird 'period' on my 3rd round of clomid. Bad cramps, bright red blood, but it only lasted a day. All pregnancy tests were negative (and I have gone through a good share of those!), but I felt like something was weird. I got in to the dr, they do an ultrasound, and don't really see anything. They think they might see a slight cyst, on my right ovary but assume it's due to normal ovulation, or possibly the clomid. I see a different dr who recommends having an HSG (i think that's the name of it) done. It basically tests to be sure your fallopian tubes are not closed or malformed. I make the appt, but end up canceling on the day of because i got a job offer that I had been going through rounds of interviews for that day, and decided I needed to stay at work. I also had opted out of clomid that month because I needed a break.
Now, we're to the beginning of Sept. Matt and I are at the beach, and I'm on about day 24 of my cycle (hopeful my period will not come this time and that we've gotten pregnant with no clomid). I start having terrible pain in my lower abdomen, but end up falling asleep. I wake up in the middle of the night to feeling like I had started. Sure enough, blood. But, bright red, and again this time it only lasted a few hours. I assume it's my period, and am a little emotional over yet another unsuccessful month of trying to get pregnant. A week passes, and it's September 8. I run in the Cotton Pickin 5K that day; afterwards, I notice my breasts are still tender from what I thought was my period over a week ago. I take a pregnancy test on a whim, and PREGNANT shows up. I freak out, tell Matt, and we both cry with excitement and relief. I had to take about 2 more to be sure it was real. I'm floored. Can't believe it! I make an appt for Monday, and see the Dr. Sure enough, strong positive. She gives me all kinds of reading material on pregnancy, and am feeling totally surreal. My dr is so excited, and we go over what I can and can't eat, how often I'll be coming in etc. I request bloodwork because i was worried about that earlier "spotting" from a week ago. I get that taken, and she prepares me that my levels (hCG) will probably be low because I'm only 4 weeks. She said when they get to 1500 we can probably see the baby, or at least the gestational sac.
I get a call Wednesday from the nurse who says my hCG levels are 6200!! WHAT?!?! I'm thinking it must be twins...but how? I wasn't on clomid this month. I'm excited because with those levels we'll definitely see something. The nurse says the same and schedules an ultrasound that day. I call Matt so he can come since we're sure we'll get to see something. It's about 4:30, September 12, and i'm on the table with Matt in the room, and the lady administering the ultrasound. It's taking too long. She asks if I've been cramping and bleeding, but I had not for at least a week or so. I start to just know something is off. Finally, she says what I don't want to hear: there is no baby in there. nothing. But, she adds that she's concerned because she sees something in my fallopian tube, and if it is what she thinks that can be life threatening. what?? Now I'm just in a complete state of shock and confusion. The rest of this day was a blur.
I'm rushed to a room where I get a rohgam shot (msp) because I'm rh negative; nice to know, but I'm so confused. Then, we're taken to the dr's office (not my normal dr, but a very nice one all the same). He informs us that without a doubt there is no viable pregnancy in me, but what appears to be a tubal pregnancy. Ectopic pregnancy. I'd read about it, but it's SO RARE, noway this is happening.
I'm some other form of myself now. I'm hearing him, but nothing makes sense. Why are the levels so high? What are our options? We were told there are really no options other than me taking MTX or surgery. They recommend the drug. I'm devastated. This drug is a low (very low) dose of something like chemotherapy. Stops the division of cells and strips your body of folates?? What the hell is this man talking about. All I know is he's looking to us to make a decision and his recommendation is to take action immediately for my health and hopeful preservation of my tube and a future successful pregnancy. I'm still hung up on trying to realize that THIS one isn't successful. The risk is a tube rupture which could mean I lose it, and also means emergency surgery which could come with complications.
In 5 minutes, I've realized there is no baby in my uterus, given some shot I still don't understand, and am now supposed to say yes to some treatment that will stop the growth of this poor embryo baby in my body that just implanted in the wrong spot. I'm heartbroken. We managed to make the decision to take the treatment rather than surgery. I am taken to another room where they draw blood; I remember how much it hurt because she used regular needles (i'm supposed to have butterfly b/c of my stupid tiny veins), but I didn't care. I was in some other state. My wonderful husband looked on while I got prodded, and I just sat there trying to comprehend. We were then taken to the room where they'd give me the MTX. It's two shots, one in each hip. Before she administered them she said they'd hurt. That was it; i lost it. I'm holding Matt's hand, and trying to fight back emotion. Here I am, just found out the baby I was so excited over will not make it due to where it is, have been given shots, blood drawn, and now am told that the shot that is going to (in my mind) hurt my baby is going to hurt. I'm devastated at all of these events. It's pain upon pain, and I'm so sad. I get the shots, and then sit there and cry. The nurses were so kind. It was well after 5 and they stayed just for us until I could pull myself together some. They brought water and offered apologies.
I looked over at Matt and told him how strange this all was. You never think about this side of pregnancy when you come to the gynocologist. This ugly, sad, painful side. These nurses have to see it every day, and they treated me like I was the first one they had ever had. It gave me an appreciation for the people who endure the other side, the disappointing side, and the painful side of pregnancy. They don't all end happily with a healthy baby, and I'd never realized to the degree I felt that moment. It's the most painful experience I've ever had. The minute you find out your pregnant, you may as well have mothered that child all your life. And to get a shot to rid yourself of that pregnancy for your own sake, and for the reasoning that it will never survive was impossible to comprehend. Heartbroken is the only way I can describe it.
We left my car at the hospital and went home. Matt told my brother and Erin, and my parents. He's such a good husband. He knew I couldn't go through that story again. not yet. I sat at home and cried my eyes out. Shook with sadness and just let it all out. When Matt got home, we sat on the couch together. Sweet Larry and Wally got up there, too. Usually we don't want them on the couch but this night our family needed each other, and I didn't care who was on the couch. That moment gave us strength. We prayed for a long time. The next two days at work were rough, but what I needed to get my mind off of it. The pain (phsycial) started Friday. It was intense, and there was bleeding. It's now Satruday, and the pain is better. If my levels aren't down by Tuesday, I have to take another shot. I'm praying I do not. The shot is rough because it drains you of your energy, gives cramps, causes bleeding, nausea, etc. I've never felt so exhausted. I can't imagine what full blown chemotherapy looks like. This is the lowest dosage of that, and I feel like walking up the stairs is like running a marathon.
I know things will get better. I know we'll have a baby at some point, but this was something that I'll never forget. I never imagined it, and could have never prepared myself for how it would make me feel. I was talking to Matt before work yesterday and was asking how people got through hard times if they didn't have God. If it weren't for God I'd see this as punishment, and it'd hurt even worse. This is not punishment. This is God's plan, and he wouldn't give it to us if he weren't going to see us through it. Whatever is happening in his plan right now is perfect, and I'm going to keep going as hopeful as i've ever been. I was talking to Carrie about this and she mentioned how sorry she initially felt for celebrating the pregnancy news so much and making such a big deal about it. But then she thought, no, that's what we'll do next time as well. You can't live in fear that something you have no control over will be disappointing every time. You have to keep hope, or you have nothing. I'm completely hopeful that God will provide us with a baby in his perfect timing. Until then, I'm holding on to His hope.
