Day 13 - Injection Training, say what?? - November 4, 2014

Today Matt and I had injection training for IVF. We knew it was coming, but I guess I hadn't fully realized how many shots I'd be giving myself and how many different medications...having to remember dosage, do I mix this solution with the powder, okay use the 27 gauge needle to mix, and the 23 gauge to give the shot, this is refrigerated, this is not, but this is refrigerated and sets out for 15 minutes prior to injection, this is a pen shot with clicks to measure your dosage, these are at night, these are in the morning, AHHHHHH!
I was sweating. Seriously, but it was hot in the doctors office today. Still it was driven mostly by nerves. But we can do this! People give themselves shots every day. For some people that's their lives (i have newfound respect for these people, either due to allergies or an illness, YOU PEOPLE ROCK!)

So, today I gave myself a practice shot in the belly. It went like this....grab a chunk of belly fat...aim...debate...look at the needle...90 degree angle...look at the skin...visualize pushing it in the skin....get nervous...go for it...change your mind...and then bam, I just did it. It was weirdly exhilarating. Then, Matt had to practice giving me the HCG shot. The "trigger" shot. This one will be the most important; it happens the night before egg retrieval. He has to give it to me because it has to be muscular, aka in the booty. Well, he did it! I was so proud. That one hurt way less than the one I gave myself. He was really nervous, and there was hesitation, but he did it! Again, we can do it!!

Now, we just have to get my meds in. They come in a big box straight from CVS Caremark. It'll be like IVF med Christmas. I'm ready to get this started. Thankfully, there are youtube tutorials on how to give each type of medicine.  I know i'll need the reminder since today was so very overwhelming. The week before retrieval, I'm giving myself three shots a day; I'm so thankful that Matt is very detailed and supportive. He will help me so much, and that is such a blessing.

I can say all this a bit more lightly now (that I've had two glasses of wine), but I will admit earlier I was in tears from being overwhelmed. It was scary going into a room with two nurses who pull out a box of meds and syringes and vials and start instructing you on how to handle the next 4 weeks. I was thinking that I just couldn't do it. Not the shot giving, but just the overall process. It's so much and I started getting scared I'd mess up. I just wasn't prepared for how that would feel. But that's what this is. It's a process, and it comes with instructions and support, thankfully. We. Are. Ready. I'm working to decrease stress and increase positivity. I know it will be okay regardless of any outcome. Our faith is strong and God it too good to us.

Side story funny: so I was reading the 'schedule' and when it got to the night of the HCG shot it said, "deliver HCG shot; take a valium and go to bed" (LOL LOL LOL). Don't know why but that made me laugh; hahahaha, take the big shot then relax beeotch! it's out of your hands! Maybe I overdid the humor of this, but i was just reading along so seriously then saw that and it made me laugh and relax. It reminded me....you can do all you can follow all instructions but God is in control so just do what you can and rest in that. It's all under control.

Until next time!
oh tomorrow I turn 33. Have I ever said I don't like the #3? Gah, i'm just realizing this. and 3 + 3 is 6. And I don't like that number either. poo.
I don't like the # 3 because when I was little I used to think the #3 meant our family minus 1. And the thought of that was so very sad. It was me my mom my dad and brother. 4. My favorite. Add my grandparents you get 8. My all time favorite number. The only better number was 48...my two favorites together that ends with my ultimate fave.

 3 was a sad number. Man down. Never liked it.

I digress, and guess I'll sum it up with here's to 33. Let's make this a good age, and learn to love that number 3!!! Here's to knowing things can change; like infertility being conquered and learning to love the #3.

(gah, i feel weird for sharing all that).
Whatevs, night night! Amanda

I'm ending this post with this picture. No, not because we are rocking some twinkie bathing suits, or because my sister in law is awesome and a great support, but also because of my glaring scar from surgery. I love it. Am I weird? Maybe. But i love it. It represents my baby that was never born, and proof and comfort that even outwardly he/she won't be forgotten. I wear the reminder. I miss that baby and I miss my tube, but I'm forever hopeful in what is to come. It's a reminder to me that I'm tough and so was that stubborn embryo that refused to move along (or it was being lazy like I can be sometimes, too)...or maybe it encountered a mean tube and fought and fought but had no other way. Either way, rock on. I remember you, I love you, you lived a strong and real purpose, and I'm thankful for the scarred reminder.

Day 4 - "Meltdown Down" - October 26, 2014

Today I woke up super emotional--just ask Matt. I was in full out cry mode, basically hysterics because I didn't think he was listening to me which meant he didn't care for me which meant he didn't love me which meant he didn't even like me or want to be my friend.

It escalated that quickly.

He goes to run an errand and I go fetal position on the bed sobbing. I call him a few times and all of the conversations were me being upset with him and him being confused. He came home, gave me a hug, I cried some more, then he made me 2 eggs. I was kind of back to good. I go about my day planning our Halloween party, doing laundry, and cleaning, and then Matt brings me my favorite, diet vanilla coke from Sonic, AND a cheeseburger, AND cheese tots. Dang! I must have REALLY appeared in need of food healing. Well, it worked. He's the best:)

I really think with starting IVF last week, I have a flood of thoughts and emotions going through my mind, and also taking this new birth control that I've never even heard of probably doesn't help. I'm good though.

I was determined to get the musty smell out of our towels. You're supposed to washonce with vinegar, then baking powder, then normal wash (i thought). Well on that normal wash, my washing machine told me i put too much detergent in there and suds were creeping out of the sides! It was hilarious to me! I'll include a pic.

Then, later today, i finished the halloween party planning (since when the week starts I'm no use to my personal life), then I went for about a mile run and 1.5 mile walk, then Matt and I had to move our old mattresses into my grandfathers garage. Later we had dinner at my parents with them, and David and Erin and kids. It was a lot of fun. We were riding around their driver toys and being silly.
I have been super sleepy; probably hungover from my emotional meltdown of the morning, so I am planning to go to bed soon and start my early Monday, woop!!

Sleep well, Amanda

Day 3 - A story and an update - October 24, 2014

Well yesterday I went the Dr for a follicle count. I was in the waiting room about 8:30, and the sweetest/saddest thing happened. A guy about Matt's age or a bit older comes in, wearing a suit, probably headed for work next, and went to the front desk saying he had some questions. He said, "my wife is taking progesterone shots, and this time we received the 23 gauge needles, but she is used to the 25 gauge, so I wanted to pick those up." They went and got him the smaller needles and he said, "I had another question....i'm the one giving her shots, and she is really whelping up around the shot area...i'm just afraid i'm doing something wrong or hurting her, and i'm running out of places for the shot." Unfortunately the nurse had to tell him that's normal as long as it isn't inflamed or hot, etc, so he thanked them and went on his way looking a bit defeated.

I sat and witnessed that raw emotion and concern and it made me tear up. Here is this husband, on his way to work, concerned as hell about hurting his wife and there isn't anything to do about it. They're going through this physical and emotional pain in hopes to start a family. It was heart wrenching, but oh so real.

It's easy to not consider infertility as a 'disease' or 'reality.' It makes sense because unless you're experiencing it, you really don't get the rawness of it all, and the pain it comes with. The emotional emptiness and helplessness. No, you aren't dying from something, but you're plagued with something that you feel you have no way of healing or understanding. Without God, I would be lost in this.

I wanted to share that story, because it's stories like that which capture a glimpse of the pain from this ugliness that is infertility. But, it's also stories like that which show the love and support that comes from this experience. Matt and I have grown so much closer. I feel close to my nurses, and close to the strangers in the waiting room and close to my dearest friends who give me so much love and support.

There were shared glances as this man walked out of the waiting room, and I could feel the love we were all sending to him and his wife. We can get through this. It's hard and it's painful, but we will get through it together.

With that said, I had my follicle count. 12 on the right ovary, and 15 on the left. It was down from last year's 17 and 19, but, well, i'm a year older:) That count is still very high and healthy, so I am happy for that. Matt looked it up, and statistically, that count puts you in a 68% bracket for success. I place only a little bit of emphasis on statistics, because, hey, I had an ectopic pregnancy and that occurs in only 2% of pregnancies, so I'm defeating stats like a champ. Then, the chance of it rupturing isn't common either, and I knocked that one out of the park as well....so stats are facts, but at the end of it all God is in control, and if he wants you to be an outlier, that's how it's going to happen.

That's my update for now! I've been taking the pill (birth control) at the same time everyday like I'm supposed to. So funny, because I'm doing a better job taking the pill to start a process to GET pregnant way better than I ever took the pill to NOT get pregnant. Oh, the irony.

:) Amanda

Day 0 - October 22, 2014

I called this Day 0 because tomorrow, we start IVF. Just 2 days after my rant of being so afraid. Crazy how things happen so fast. I called the nurse when i started my cycle and she called back the next morning with my protocol and schedule. WHOA. We are starting in vitro. We. Are. Starting. In Vitro. I can't believe that. You don't envision that when you set out to start a family, but here we are; it's time.

I start birth control tomorrow. It's about an 8 week process. We should know by mid Dec if we are pregnant. That's less than 2 months away. I just had a heart palpitation. Not for fear; but for excitement that this could be it. In LESS THAN TWO MONTHS we could know we're pregnant. Yeah. We could also be really depressed, but no more of that thinking for now. We're going forward with prayers and hope and positive thoughts. I can't believe it.

Below is the schedule just for reference. I made this based off a conversation with my nurse earlier today. She called me back after some phone tag, and I was in Fresh Market grabbing lunch, and she asked if it was a good time; of course it was. She asked if i had a pen. I too quickly turned to the check out lady and asked for a pen and paper please, then proceeded to jot down all of my instructions, using their ice bag freezer as a desk to bear down on. So funny to me already. I was there for 30 minutes, writing and talking and listening. Then, i gave back their pen and it all started happening. Here we go:)



My schedule based on my notes below:) I wrote as much detail as possible. Things such as 'blood work for infectious diseases.' ha

DATE	Appt or To Do	Time/location
10/23	Amanda starts birth control
10/24	Follicle count	8:30am/baptist
10/29	Consultation; Matt joins; Matt and Amanda have blood work for infectious diseases; Amanda brings her  test results from Tonkin	3:30/ Baptist
11/3	Trial transfer; this is so the dr knows more about my body for the real transfer; arrive with full bladder	11am/ Baptist
11/4	Matt joins; injection teaching and practice; bring IVF consent forms and embryo freeze form	3pm/ Baptist
11/8	I start taking Lupron in the evening	Evening/home
11/11	Last dose of birth control
11/19	Baseline ultrasound and blood work	Arrive before 7:30am/ Baptist
12/1	Retrieval will happen this week; probably midweek; then for the next 3-5 days we get daily updates
After retrieval	Probably within about 5 days I will come in for the transfer; this could be any day of the week or weekend
After transfer	Bed rest for 48 hours

Toasting to the beginning. Birth control and champagne; it's a party!

My jotted down notes

More jotted down notes

And this was a deciding dialogue between Matt and me. We'd talked to the Dr back in February 2014 about IVF, took a trip to europe, then neither of us mentioned it though we knew it was our next step. Then, it got real. And we took action. This text was from September. By late October we were starting.

So scared, and haven't even started - (October 20, 2014)

I'm sitting on the couch right now with Larry and Pappy (Eddy and Matt went to bed). I'm crying out of fear and the unknown. Matt and I plan to start IVF very soon. Could be as soon as this month. I started reading more about IVF, and now I'm a crying mess. Why? Because I am so afraid of it not working. I've gone through the failed attempts to get pregnant. The ups and downs and completely unreal moments of loneliness and grief each time I'm reminded that this month didn't work. I've gone through that for 3.5 years. But this is different. This feels so dangerous to my emotions. I'm completely frozen in fear because I'm so hopeful and excited over the possibility that it'll work. The thought of it not working is making me so sad.
I know that's not how I should think. I've allowed myself to truly believe and have faith that IVF is the answer for us if our trying doesn't work,  and it  will give us a baby. But, what if. What if it doesn't? There are no guarantees. I know i'm supposed to trust God and know it's all in His timing, and trust the outcome whatever it may be. I know this. I've known it all along. But it's still so painful. And the thought of this pedestaled hope called in vitro is getting real. So very real and now my heart is sinking with just the thought that it won't work.
I know if it doesn't we'll try again. It'll become a new process for us. But I just don't want it to be a process of repeated failures. I am so afraid. Believe it or not, in 3.5 years of trying, I haven't allowed myself to think of this possibility in such a reality form. But I am tonight. And with any realistic thinking, there is always the possibility that things don't go the way you want. I know I have to keep processing this. I have to force myself to imagine this process and to be comfortable and confident in God's hand guiding each step of the way. He's been with us all along. The only reason I don't give up. I can't give up. I will know if there is ever a time to give up, and we are not there. So I have to keep moving, and trust that this will be okay. The last 3.5 years have been okay. We haven't had a baby, but God has watched over us and blessed us. He has protected us from so much sadness and blessed us with so many blessings and memories that we'll have forever. Life is good.

I needed this. I needed to face IVF as the real option that it is now becoming for us. And with that, the reality that we don't control it. It may not be the end all be all. But it also just might. And I'm going to hold on and trust the future.
We need so many prayers. They are always appreciated.

Early October 2014

Update from May 2013 - October 2014.

It's crazy how much time passes, and we still don't have a baby. We took time off of the 'trying' after my surgery, but we truly never quit trying.
The last update I have was in May 2013.
I have gotten a lot busier with my job, and we are in our routine. The days are busy, and life goes by so quickly. But there hasn't been a month to pass that I didn't feel emotional upon realizing I wasn't pregnant. You can't shake it like that. It's a monthly disappointment, and feeling of failure and loneliness. Very hard to explain. I've gone from being withdrawn to super positive to avoidance to anger, pretty much any and all emotions and any and all reactions. I'm probably a text book or case study model at this point, and probably going by every expected element for someone who deals with this. The hardest part is the loneliness part. That's hard to explain, the loneliness. But you feel alone. It's just not very common to strike up conversation about infertility, and even when you are with dear friends, or your spouse, who talk to you about it and provide the best comfort out there, you feel lonely. It's because you don't have a baby. And you want one. That is the emptiness you feel. You want to be a mother, but you aren't one. Nothing can replace what that feeling would give. I'm not saying there is lack of happiness if I never become a mom, but I do know that is a major contribution to the hollowness and loneliness I feel around this. It's just a battle. And emotional drain.

Ugh, okay, enough sadness and wallowing, let me give some updates.

After last May, we just went back to normal trying. By Fall 2013, I decided to get a sonohistogram or something. Basically, a catheter up your cervix, and they put saline solution in your uterus to be able to examine your uterus, cervical opening, and tube openings (or in my case 'opening' since i'm a uni-tube!). I turned out fine. A+, yay. I also had several hormonal and cycle monitoring tests run. At the time I was 31, and the Dr had been leaning toward IVF based on my tubal issue and removal. But, after he got my test results back he said the health, quantity, and quality of my eggs was very good and I didn't need to rush into IVF; i had time. Well, i think it's what i needed, even though some days I wish I'd just jumped right on in knowing that I'm sitting here a year later still trying to have a baby. But, we waited. We planned our third trip to Europe (man, lack of children is going to cause us to take a ridiculous amount of overseas trips, haha). Our first one, back in 2010, was a 'pre-baby' trip....right. Second one, was the same...so now SURELY this third one would be the last 'pre-baby' trip. TBD

So, we met with the Dr in February 2014, thoroughly discussed IVF, knew it was our next option, and left with them having my paper work ready to go when we were. So the plan was to go to Europe in March 2014; longest trip of our lives (2 weeks!) in a good way. AWESOME time. So we did. We planned to start IVF when we got back. But we didn't. Weeks, then months went by. What was our deal? Oh yeah, we are stubborn as hell and have a lot of hope and faith and just HAD to wait longer to see if God was going to provide a child for us naturally. Well, God is saying, 'no, Amanda and Matt, time to make your next move'
Also, we had some moral hang ups. Some decisions to make. I don't know how much the average person knows about IVF ( i didn't know much ), but there are some strange feeling decisions to make. For example, if multiple embryos are healthy, and only 2 are implanted, what do you do with the rest? These decisions are hard. I don't want to go into all of that here, but we've discussed in great detail now what we would do (probably have 8 kids), and we are happy and comfortable with going forward. So, God wanted us to wait until we could be completely at ease with this. If that's ever the case.

So, I called the nurse in September 2014 after a failed attempt, 'surprise, there's blood in the toilet!' which means hey you started...again...surprise surprise, now make another move. I asked about the process and she said basically you start with the start of your cycle. which was that day. I felt rushed (after 3.5 years how can you feel rushed); but I did. Matt and I had (at this point) not completely had all conversations we needed to around IVF and the possibilities and this made it real enough that we did. We were now ready. The nurse said to call back when i started my next cycle, but due to 'quality control' they may have the offices shut down and won't be able to start my Oct cycle. Also some parts of dec they don't do egg retrievals...who knew?? But, ya know what, I'm totally patient. I've waited this long, what's two more months. The nurse said I was the most understanding patient she'd talked to about this...really? or am i just defeated....tired....put out by this journey. Or, maybe, just maybe I am (in the core of my being) confident in God's timing. Some days I don't know, but I feel comforted and protected, so I want to say I'm just confident in the timing of all of this. Worst, or latest case, we will start IVF in December, meaning fertilization, and hopeful hopeful please God if it's meant to be pregnancy will happen in January 2015. Best way I can think of to start a new year.

I'm hanging on to hope. It's what we do.
Prayers for miracles and God's will,
Amanda and Matt

LONG TIME long time - (written September 2014)

Below was an update from September 2014. Little did I realize at the time, we were weeks from making the decision to go forward with IVF.

It has been forever since I've blogged. 2012! So long. Much has gone on since then, and at the same time, not much as gone on.

Work: I got a promotion. Work constantly it seems. But I love my job, and love the challenges and fast paced days it brings. Matt is still at smith and nephew. He is doing well. He made it through multiple lay off's over the years, so I am thankful for that blessing.

Life: We live full time in Somerville now. It's great. It really is. It'd be hard to complain about all the simplicity of life out here. There are days that I feel so segmented between Memphis and my life out there vs. my life back 'home' but I'm learning to meld the balance. I think it's working out well; just takes adjustments.

More Life: Gah, where'd we leave off? We've been trying to have a baby for years now. I can't even go into everything we've tried or considered trying. Can't go into the emotional ups and downs. Wow. It's been the longest road we've ever shared. Matt has been the best to share it with. He doesn't let us lay down. He keeps up looking up, and keeps us living 'normal' to us until God's will and time is shown.

Fun life: we have 3 animals. We've just started calling them 'the animals' because they have too many names to reel off. There's Larry, Eddy, and Pappy, now. They're so super sweet. I love the chaos they bring to this home. We are goofy with them and just laugh at how silly they each are. They have their own personalities and it couldn't be more entertaining. We love them all so very much.

Other things: I am so happy to have friends and family. I know it doesn't come easy or expected, but I feel blessed to see my family on a regular basis and they are also my friends.

What's coming up: We go to Gulf Shores for almost a week. Should be fun! Can't wait!

Infertility Sucks (inspired over the past four years, but this excerpt sometime in 2014)

Let me preface this some....I wrote this LATE LATE one night. A night I could have gone to bed sad and woken up feeling a bit better, but I let myself pour out. The below was me pouring it all out. I don't feel sorry for myself, but I do think that people have been going through something like this just need to get it out. Let the pain and anger and sadness and confusion and loneliness pour out of you with no reservations.
So this was mine.

I'd say this was written sometime in early to mid 2014:

Infertility Sucks

Infertility sucks. There’s no better way of explaining it. It’s a monthly cycle of emotion. I don’t care what advice is given. I don’t care how peaceful you’ve become about it; the moment you see blood on the toilet paper, you’ve failed again. Another failed attempt. Depending where you are on the journey, maybe your hope was really high, or really low, but I’ve found the emotion that goes into the low hope is compounded by the numerous fails so far that even the low hope can bring unstoppable tears. So you cry. You silent cry because what will wailing do. You’re alone. Even if you have a spouse, you feel alone. You know God is there. But in that moment you are sad and angry. how many more blood stained toilet paper news do I have to bare. You ask. 
Days pass, and you have a new layer to your scarred tissue. You’re tougher now. You’re more experienced at the pain. Days lead to indifference. You’re cool with whatever happens. Then, you’re almost mid-cycle and think ‘what the hell, let’s take an ovulation kit;” negative. But now you’re interest is up and you’re paying attention to your body again. Two days later, you know…you take a test, and there’s the smiley face. Oh that is great, you’re so in sync with your body. So, it’s sex for 3 days. If you haven’t already started the every other day…and it’s “incubation time” on the bed as if your’e a chicken incubating its egg, yet your pose resembles a strange labor and delivery scene. 10 minutes should be enough. So, it’s required sex, and required poses for 3-5 days. Then, you are relieved for some time off, and the next week is easy. If anything you might be aware of implantation, but on a good week, you blend in to indifference again. Then, the dreaded D-Day week. Each day, you can’t help but take notice of feelings. Three days before your period is due, you look at the toilet paper every time you wipe, even for a faint shade of pink or brown. Now, period is due. Where is it? Well, this is strange; i’m a 28-day-er. You start going through your iphone calendar to review the last several months. Has this happened before? Noway. But you can’t take a test. Nothing is more devastating than blood other than a negative pregnancy test. So you wait. Two days late. You’ve loosened up. Imagine the “it could really be happening.” The reasons why this timing is so perfect. The view of how God let it all fall into perfect place. You imagine it. The news. Knowing you have a baby inside of you. Could that really be you? After all these years. You go to bed thinking of it and how life will change. You wake up with energy because there is new excitement. Ten minutes later you get coffee and feel something too familiar. A cramp. No. You go to the toilet and nothing is there. This further validates that this could be happening. Minutes later, a cramp. A fear. A real fear. You shove the toilet paper up. Your husband hesitates getting into the shower because he wants to know. Blood. There it is. The red blood spot that screams you’ve failed again. Your husband, so supportive, has sad and frustration in his eyes. You sob. Quietly. Tears fall to the floor from your eyes. No sounds. You're fighting it. Not again. You’re so used to this, not again. Be strong. You know this deal.
You move on. Get ready for church, crying here and there. The rest of the day is sullen. You stay busy, but can’t deny the flutter of hope that resulted in a crash and burn, right over your toilet. 
Then, you get to spend the next 48 hours with severe cramps. As if you need a reminder that things didn’t work out.
You yell to God. You cling. You push. You ask why. You have to give up. You do, but you wonder how you try if you give it up. You end up being noticeably somber, withdrawn. 

Infertility is so lonely. If feels. so. lonely. And I am helpless.
God. Help me.

Love, Amanda