April 6, 2015 - This article brought a world of emotion

This article described exactly. how. I feel....far too often.

I cried when I read it. Then I read it again, and cried. Reading someone so accurately describe my feelings and fears made me feel normal, sad, happy, and thankful for support groups via the internet and NY Times articles:)

This girl had a much harder time than I did, but the feelings are spot on with regards to the hoped for, prayed for, and miraculous success of pregnancy after all the journey...and the feelings that you just can't shake. I feel like I could have written most of this article, and I'm so thankful that this lady did.

I will copy the article in here because if you're like me, clicking on a link that takes you off your current page is a lot to ask when in full on lazy mode.

But for the non-lazies...here is the link.

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/03/17/after-i-v-f-pregnant-but-still-stuck-in-the-past/?_r=0

For those who want to just keep reading, here is the article:

After I.V.F.: Pregnant, but Still Stuck in the Past

Every time I tell someone I’m pregnant, the first thought that grips my heart in terror is, “What if I have to tell them that it didn’t work?”

I’m pregnant. We’re pregnant! (Initially opposed to the royal “we” of pregnancy, my husband, Solomon, feels that after our long journey, he’s earned the right to partake in the annoying language of “we” even though he’s not actually with child.) 

I’d always imagined this would be a time of unbridled joy, but nothing is that easy with I.V.F.

After three years, 10 doctors, nine rounds of fertility treatments, genetic testing in Israel finding no normal embryos, two egg donors and four miscarriages — this last figure being the most significant, I suspect — this pregnancy has been riddled with anxiety.

I think I have I.V.F. PTSD. 

The bad feelings don’t go away just because the event is over. You can’t all of a sudden turn the switch on for happiness and well-being because you were in such a dark and scary place for so long. Even though you’d thought you were coping quite well during the trauma, when it’s over, all the pent-up emotions finally flood over you.

And even though you’re safe, you are constantly reminded of the past, replaying it over and over in your mind. 

So many nights, I wake up clutching my stomach, sobbing to Solomon that I’m no longer pregnant because I have cramps, a mood swing, because I ate something bad. He holds me, tells me it’s going to be O.K.

But I’m still mentally preparing myself for the worst, running through the scenario at the doctor: the silence of the ultrasound technician when something is wrong, the stillness of the fetus, the trauma of everything suddenly being over. The knowledge that I’ll have to go through it all again. And maybe again. 

I’m so sick with worry by the time we get to our weekly ultrasound that I can’t even look at the screen. I keep my eyes on my husband’s face until I see him smile, and only then can I venture a glance to check that the baby is there.

But it’s there. The baby is there! Even after a flu, a sinus infection and food poisoning, the baby is alive. 

I hardly believe it. Yes, when I look at the grainy black-and-white screen at 10, 11, 12 weeks, I can see there’s a baby growing inside of me. But I know it for only about five minutes after we leave the doctor’s office. It reminds me of those interminable years of dating, when I was still swooning over a great guy, but a day later, I started to doubt myself. Did I really like him? Did he really like me? That’s how it goes after I leave the doctor — but with much greater stakes. By the next day, I’m no longer sure what I saw was real. I’m thrown into the reality I’ve known for far too long: the past. 

“Let’s not think about the past, only the future,” said my doctor, my newest miracle worker, a reproductive immunologist who treats women with recurrent pregnancy loss and repeat I.V.F. implantation failure. “We have to get here to get there,” he keeps reminding me, but not in a chastising way. “But I know you won’t be happy until you have the baby in your arms.”

Happy! I want to be happy. I want to let go of all the hurt, disappointment, anguish, waiting, despair — and let’s face it, depression — of the last three years of trying to conceive. Because this time I’m really pregnant. 

While medical experts disagree on when the second trimester begins — Week 12, Week 14.5? — either way you slice it, I’m there. Well into my second trimester. The diagnostic tests have been done, our parents have been told, our friends are slowly being let into the loop and expressing all the elation I wish I could allow myself to feel. Even my doctor thinks I’m in the safe zone, releasing me to a regular obstetrician. (I wanted to throw myself at his feet, clutch his ankles and yell, “Please don’t leave me!” but it would probably be undignified.)

Yes, there are a lot of things that can go wrong, even now. Sadly, that’s one of the things this fertility journey has taught me: to prepare for the worst. Along with years of my life, money, and relationships, I’ve been robbed of my optimism, my belief that everything always works out for the best. A lot can go wrong.

But now, as I feel the fluttering in my stomach, maybe I can start to believe again. That this time will be different from all the others. I have to stop replaying past traumas in my head. I need to rewire my brain with positive images, wonderful pictures of our baby moving — waving its hand, opening its mouth, lying with one hand behind its back, just like its mother — and think of the future.

We’re expecting! And I’m going to try to let myself be happy about it. Because I have waited for a very long time.

Want to know more? Amy Klein will be available for a live chat in the comments next Tuesday evening, March 24, from 9 p.m. to 10 p.m. Eastern time.

April 16 - Gender Reveal!!!!

It's a....

GIRL!!!!

We are so excited. I always pictured a girl for some reason. I'm not a girly girl in any way, but I just always saw myself having girls! 

We had the family over for the reveal. Win and Amanda came, too. Amanda was an essential part because she knew the gender before we did and she put the correct colored balloons on Larry, so he could reveal to the family:) It was the cutest thing ever, and so much fun.

I'm feeling okay lately. Having more frequent headaches, but I'm thinking that much of that is due to the weather change and pollen that has dumped all over the area. Usually I'd have a crazy sinus infection or allergy issue by now, so I'm not complaining with headaches only. I haven't gotten sick since I've been pregnant which is such a blessing, because I'm prone to at least a few to several sinus infections/year, especially this time of year!

I've been so busy at work and out of work lately, but that's a good thing. Last weekend was the reveal and this Saturday I'm hosting a little shower for Carrie. I can't wait!!

We went to the dr for a check up last week and got to see the baby again. This was before we knew the gender. She was just chilling and bouncing around a little. I can't wait to feel her move. I'm at such a weird state. Haven't gained more than a pound and not showing much, but I know she's in there growing away. i just wish I had more evidence. It would make me feel better:) I will have faith and trust all is well, but I'm ready for a bump and some movement. Probably will be a few more weeks, though.

Until next time, Amanda

Below are some pictures from lately and the reveal.

Posing with Larry

Latest picture...14 weeks!

Sitting on the new changing table we got. I took the day off work to chill out and get some things done. I ended up working on the nursery:)

I realize i look TERRIBLE in this picture. But I wanted to capture the emotion I feel about finally being pregnant and the overwhelming feelings of knowing I will be a mom. It's been a long journey. Even without the journey, i'm sure people get overcome with emotion of the awesomeness of it all. So often it catches me by surprise. And this day, while looking at the room we were making into a nursery for OUR BABY, I was brought to tears. We are so happy. So thankful. So blessed.

I can't even...

Still obsessed with macaroni and cheese...

and yogurt.

The reveal!

Those with blue cups thought boy, pink cups thought girl. The majority got it right!

Right before finding out...will it be blue or pink balloons on Larry??

Moments before finding out...

I see Larry's nose, but will it be pink or blue balloons?

PINK! IT'S A GIRL!!!

So excited:)

All the girls:)

April 5, 2015 - I'll be 14 weeks tomorrow!

Crazy to think I'm 14 weeks tomorrow! Very exciting. I have been feeling good for the most part. Still not 100% on my eating habits, but the nausea and food aversions have gone away for the most part. Still not pumped about eating most meats, eggs, or avocado...definitely not by themselves. I can eat them in something okay.

Some more exciting news is we will find out this Saturday if we're having a boy/girl! We have had the results since about week 11, but wanted to wait and get family together. I was exhausted today, and tried to take a nap, but i was too excited about finding out the gender and my mind was racing.

Symptoms lately: breathless at times (like from having a conversation), heart race occasionally, starting to show some! (had to start telling work people because I had someone ask...my little bump/beer belly looking pooch is growing by the day. I'm also incapable of sleeping late. The last two weekends I'm up by 7:30am. But, that's good practice. Other than that, just some slight food issues still, and not able to eat big meals. And, of course, I'm tired:) But i do feel like I have some more energy lately! yay!

I'm going to let pictures help me update the rest....

I love milkshakes lately, and ice-cream and sweets and candy...weird

I have also eaten mac and cheese for two nights straight.

I got to see my godson, Boston, and Blair on main! Made my day. He's such a sweetie.

Gave Blair a quick tour of AutoZone! It was so fun to have a good friend see where I work. Sometimes I feel like my work-world is just that...another world. But having friends or family come see makes me feel more balanced. I spend  the bulk of my time at this place. It's just weird, I grew up knowing all too well exactly where my parents worked and even most of my friends' parents workplaces. But with me working so far from home I feel a huge separation in those worlds.  But I love my workplace! (i do wish it were closer, though)

I got way off topic here:)

I bought this. Blood pressure machine. I'm crazy, I know. But last week I was feeling very tired and weak and my heart would beat fast and I'd get dizzy. I convinced myself I was one of the pregnant people who would have weird blood pressure throughout...but I'm normal so far. (fahhhreeek)

I will get tired of pictures of myself, but it's the way to document baby! And we try to get Larry in as many as possible since he will be best friends with the baby soon.

THESE CLOWNS!

Have a Rockin' Happy Easter from Harrison and Anna Rollins!

Matt and I Easter Sunday. I LOVE EASTER

Bittersweet Farewells! - March 21, 2015

This post is a bit overdue, but in the last 3 weeks, I have said farewell to 3 pretty major things:

1. My progesterone injection shots
2. My fertility clinic and family
3. Crinone/Estrodial (estrogen)
4. Frequent ultrasounds and 3D every time!

Let me give them proper farewell.

PROGESTERONE INJECTIONS
These inconvenient, hip numbing, butt aching, hormone effect rising injections kept my body from miscarrying the first 8-10 weeks of pregnancy. For that I can ignore the previous callouts, and that is also what made it a bitter sweet farewell. For the last 9 weeks, Matt injected me with progesterone--right into my bum. Ginnie filled in 1 night when Matt was out of town. I'm so thankful for Matt and also for Ginnie's fill in.

The first 8-10 weeks of pregnancy the ovaries make hormones until the placenta takes over. Since my ovaries didn't ovulate they didn't know to make progesterone, so this is why I took injections. They keep your body aware that it is pregnant which keeps you from miscarrying. Many thanks to this injection. I was scared to stop them but everything was fine:)

So farewell to these shots! Below is what we accumulated through this process....we added it up and I took or administered over 200 shots between lupron (twice, IVF/FET), menopur, follistem, and the progesterone through this process.

And I am now a champ at having blood drawn. I had that done every visit. Probably a little over 25 times.

These includes all the shots from the IVF/FET process.

Bye bye progesterone

MY FERTILITY CLINIC
I went through everyone I could think of in a post a few back, so I will keep this shorter. Matt and I started going to Dr. Ke at Fertility Associates of Memphis after my normal OBGYN, Dr. Tonkin with Adams Patterson Gynocology, recommended him soon after our ectopic. We went to the clinic for 2 years. Tried clomid again, did a sono-something test (sorry can't remember, but it's when they put saline solution in your uterus and view on ultrasound to be sure nothing is wrong). I also did a few test that measured my follicle count, egg reserve, and egg quality. We passed all these with flying colors so Dr Ke said it was a tubal issue (my final tube), and the only way to bypass the tube to get pregnant was IVF. It took us about a half a year from that news to go back ready to learn all about it. That was February 2014. Then we took a big trip to Europe, and planned to start IVF when we got back. We waited, and waited some more; hoping we'd conceive naturally. Hope is STRONG! Then by  September of 2014, we just knew, and began our IVF journey. This clinic was amazing through it all, and saying goodbye to the people who had been there along the way way really tough, but it was bittersweet because it meant we had succeeded! And we will be back. They have our embryos. It's a bit strange for me to think I'll never conceive naturally....even if I could I will not unless we try with all 4 of our embryos and are unsuccessful then happen to conceive naturally. But that's ok. That's how it was meant to be.

So farewell Fertility Associates of Memphis! Thank you for being God's instrument in allowing His miracle to occur. We will see you again, hopefully not too very long from now.

This was my last day.

CRINONE/ESTRODIAL(estrogen).

It's hard for me to call crinone bittersweet. Because it was NASTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But it supplemented my progesterone and allowed me to keep from miscarrying. It maintained a good base of progesterone and I continued it until I hit week 12 (which technically I have ONE more dose, but I'm farewelling it now). Good riddance crinone. You did your job, but you grossed me out, and I will hopefully soon forget all the nastiness about you.

Really looking forward to being a bit normal in that regard.

Estrogen - you were a breeze. A tiny little pill I took twice a day. The hardest part was remembering to take you, but you were like a silent helper in the background; doing your job all along the way without me noticing much. Thank you for that and for giving my baby the best environment to thrive in until the placenta got the memo that it was time for it to take over.

Below is crinone. UGH!  I didn't include a picture of estrodial; it was just a tiny little pill, no bigger than a baby aspirin.

FREQUENT ULTRASOUNDS (3D everytime!)
I will miss my weekly checks on the little one. And to date one of the most amazing sights I have seen is a 2 inch baby looking just like a baby. The 3D was amazing. I could see little arms, legs, face, eyes, it was just amazing. I will miss the staff that was completely understanding when I had a bit of cramping and wanted to move my appointment up a day. I have been spoiled.

The good part is with these goodbyes, I say hello to:

1. Dr Tonkin!! (she's amazing) My normal Dr! yay!
2. A life of pregnancy that is 'normal' in terms of drugs; prenatals only...and maybe an occasional stool softener (maybe TMI, but what hasn't been about this blog recently)
3. A more normal Dr visit schedule. Although I did love my frequent checks and getting to see my baby, i think it will be good for Matt and me to be on a normal schedule for the remainder of the pregnancy. From 1/week visits to 1 every 4 weeks.


I'm thrilled to be at this step of my journey. I am 12 weeks in 2 more days, and that's such a huge milestone!

We had the gender test results come back as well as the genetic disorder tests. They ran them just with my blood work and a swab of Matt's cheek. Pretty amazing!

The genetic testing came back low risk which is the best result it can be. We were thankful for that.

We are waiting on the gender testing results (don't want to know for a few more weeks). We plan to reveal to ourselves and family April 11. Soon! But 3 more weeks away. I'll be 15 weeks by then and would have had another appointment with Tonkin and ultrasound, and I think we'll be ready to put a gender association with baby:)

I think girl, Matt things boy. Most family thinks girl, but a few friends have said boy. Girl is outweighing boy. It's fun, but of course we don't truly care. Wanting it to be healthy is not just cliche; it's how you truly feel about the process. A healthy baby is the biggest blessing we can ask for.

That's all for now!
Amanda


This was our latest ultrasound when we went to Dr. Tonkin. A far cry from the 3D, but how cool is that?! Little baby was sleeping until the ultrasound lady woke it up:)

After my successful first visit to my normal dr I splurged on the baby. Got the cutest little bunny and MAP book from Anthropologie. Both items were made for the baby. It was one of those things were I didn't think "oh this would be cute," rather, "I must purchase this, now."

The map book is so cool! And I want to monogram the little bunny's ear; maybe for their first Easter.

I like frozen yogurt lately

And when I'm hungry I devour things very quickly. This was a matter of minutes.

I'm still weird with food. Not really excited about it, but need to eat very often. When I first realize I'm hungry it's as if I was hungry hours ago and starved myself. So, with my new job I have meetings almost constantly. Makes it hard to snack. So, I've resorted to eating during meetings. Sorry peeps. During this meeting we had had a going away party for someone earlier that day and GiGi's cupcakes were there. I was stuffed from half a sandwich at lunch (why does that happen), so I saved it. An hour later I was starving. So, I took my cupcake to a meeting. Maybe that's not weird for some, but it kind of is for the meetings I've attended....maybe unprofessional. I walk into the meeting with other directors and VP's and am like, "what's up I got my cupcake and I'm ready, what we talking about today folks!"

Being pregnant makes you less of a pleaser/conformer and more about your needs. On this day and at this time my need was to eat this cupcake STAT.

Saturday, March 14 - I am almost to 11 Weeks!

It has been a couple of weeks (or more) since I updated. I am getting bad about it! I have been a bit more distracted lately. I got a promotion at work to Director of Operations Support from Manager of Labor Management, so that has taken some extra mental energy, but very exciting!

So I am currently 10 weeks and 5 days. On Monday I'll be 11 weeks! Time is starting to go by a bit faster.

UPDATE ON BABY
I had an ultrasound at 9 weeks, and again at 10 weeks because we went in for some genetic testing and gender testing (crazy so early!) But we won't get the results for that for a little while. I'm being a weirdo and want to wait until about 15 weeks or so.

At 10 weeks the baby measured right at 2 inches, has arms, legs, even eye lids and is moving around like crazy. He/She was jumping and shaking all around on the ultrasound. It's absolutely amazing. The heart rate had gone down from 9 weeks at 180 to about 162 at 10 weeks, but the nurse said that's normal, it will keep decreasing a bit and land about 140.

I stopped progesterone injections between weeks 9 and 10. I am still on crinone and estrogen and will be until week 12 even though the nurse said I could stop at 10.5 weeks. No thanks, I'll take the extra help (paranoid, can't help it).

My subchorionic hematoma wasn't visible the last time we went. PRAISE THE LORD! THIS IS GREAT NEWS!

HOW I'M FEELING:
Food averse
Moody
Tired
Don't even come near my boobs or look at them because they will hurt or be annoyed
Tiny cramps here and there

I have had a shift in attitude. I didn't update enough between my gloom and doom feelings toward the hematoma and now. I shifted my attitude about 2 weeks after that post. I am feeling more confident and settled, but always guarded. I will likely feel that way throughout.

I wish I could describe my relationship with food. It's the weirdest ever. I will all of a sudden be ravenous, but I can never plan meals because the thought of food is disgusting, so this has resulted in very weird meals. Anything from cereal to oreos to cheese and crackers to pickles to a baked potato. Then, i eat and feel better for about 5 minutes, like I'm on cloud 9, but then i feel so sick. Like disgusting queasy and I continue to have the worst taste in my mouth for hours as well as some incredible heartburn from time to time. Food is difficult for me lately, which makes me sad, but I haven't thrown up so I know it could be way worse.

We went to Blackberry Farm last weekend and it was amazing. Such a great time; relaxing! I had a prenatal massage and they had the best food (that's what Matt said). To me the food was so hard for me. I KNEW it was amazing, but my mind and emotion wouldn't get there. I would force feed myself and then feel miserable. Everything tasted salty (but it wasn't!). It was tough to have such a gourmet culinary experience in front of me each day, but feel indifferent toward it. But according to Matt, this was the best food experience ever. It is all from the farm for the most part, fresh, top chefs, just plain awesome. I will definitely want to go back. My favorite food from that weekend was french fries I ordered midday and dipped them in mayonnaise. Ya. I was in a weird place.

I also have this issue with passing out after a meal or around 9pm, then waking up like a monster. I wake up with that taste in my mouth (which makes me sick), and just queasy and unsettled. Kinda like when you were a kid and fell asleep in the car before getting to a restaurant, only to be woken up and forced into the situation. It's like you're a zombie and disoriented. That happens a lot.

I'm also starting to be dumb. I'm not the smartest ever but I find myself forgetting things and saying things that I never thought. Like in my head i'm thinking one thing but another word comes out of my mouth. Maybe that's just me having a lot going on, but my coworkers who have had babies said it's the baby.

For 2 inches, this baby is taxing and demanding, and I love every minute, knowing that my body is housing this incredible prayed for miracle. Bring it on, baby. You just keep growing and staying healthy, you're welcome to all my energy, food love, and brain power. Keep it up!

Thats about it! I have lots of pics to share. Haven't done my weeks 8 or 9, and will do 10 tomorrow, so maybe I will do a picture/progress update tomorrow, too.

So thankful and excited!

Amanda

My soul sista! Enjoying some sonic treats. Perfect for preggos:) I've probably mentioned this before, but I'm so excited that my baby is due on Carrie's birthday:) 

I dug this out of the closet...it had been stashed away since September 2012. When we found out we were pregnant in 2012 (that ended in an ectopic and emergency surgery with my right tube removal), Carrie had given me some happy's before we knew it was an ectopic. I remember she asked (after the ectopic) if I wanted her to take them back home and give them to me next time, but I decided I wanted to keep them. They kept me positive, just knowing they were in my closet waiting for our little miracle. So here they are again! Very special gift from one sibling to another via Aunt Carrie!

Little one at 9 weeks! Nice and smushy, and starting to look like a baby! Love the little nubby arms/legs.

Feeling frumpy lately. I haven't gained weight, yet, but I really think it's moving around. I can't button my pants, and this look is how I feel a lot. Sleepy and blah:)

It has snowed so much this year! And, much of the snow and ice happened when I needed rest the most. After the scary bleed I had I was home for 3 days which was 1 extra than I had planned due to ice. I think God was giving me extra rest days. I've stayed home from work about 3 days this year due to weather which is odd. But i was able to sit at home and work in PJ's and rest!

Blackberry Farm! Matt playing with pigs

I know on a normal Amanda day this would excite me, so I had to share...but nope, just looks kinda gross to me.

Ahhhh, relaxation at the spa....

More blah, but so fresh and clean

Here was my favorite meal. The french fries with mayo!

Matt said this was the best breakfast (along with breakfast at the Ruby Slipper in New Orleans) that he's ever had.

Matt surprised me the first day of our Blackberry Farm trip with these flowers. We both cried. They were beautiful and the note was the most heart warming thing I've ever read. Short and sweet, but this was one of the first moments we felt we were celebrating with less fear. Just a great weekend of celebrating our journey and the blessing God has given us. It has been a long road. It's not easy on a marriage, but we did it. We're actually pregnant, and we have this new chapter to look forward to that we weren't sure we'd ever experience. I can't wait! Tearing up again seeing it.

So true...

Beautiful views 

Dinner the last night (these pictures are out of order from the trip, sorry)

Dinner the first night

Playing with the cute little puppies

Enjoying all the views

Matt likes the swing, too.

This takes my breath away. This little baby is 2 INCHES LONG and looks like a little baby. Life is a true blessing from God; a miracle that's inconceivable. We are so thankful for this blessing! He/She looks so cozy in there.

Really can't believe how amazing this is. The detail at such a mini-state.

This is at 10 weeks.

Farewell the the most awesome Fertility clinic! It was bittersweet. I wanted to hug everyone. Hard to leave them, but we'll be back --- they have our babies! :)

yay! Lyndsie was in town and we celebrated Ginnie's birthday, too, at The Beauty Shop! She introduced me to hot water and lemon which is my new favorite drink. I had 5 cups today.

All together! I love these girls so much. Makes my heart happy to spend time with them. I am on a high for months following:)

My breakfast today. Honey bunches of oats and hot water with lemon. Can we talk about how cereal is weird for me? I probably haven't eaten cereal since I was a child. No joke. But it's gooooooood. Until I finish it and then I feel sick, but hey, I get it down.