I'm sitting on the couch right now with Larry and Pappy (Eddy and Matt went to bed). I'm crying out of fear and the unknown. Matt and I plan to start IVF very soon. Could be as soon as this month. I started reading more about IVF, and now I'm a crying mess. Why? Because I am so afraid of it not working. I've gone through the failed attempts to get pregnant. The ups and downs and completely unreal moments of loneliness and grief each time I'm reminded that this month didn't work. I've gone through that for 3.5 years. But this is different. This feels so dangerous to my emotions. I'm completely frozen in fear because I'm so hopeful and excited over the possibility that it'll work. The thought of it not working is making me so sad.
I know that's not how I should think. I've allowed myself to truly believe and have faith that IVF is the answer for us if our trying doesn't work, and it will give us a baby. But, what if. What if it doesn't? There are no guarantees. I know i'm supposed to trust God and know it's all in His timing, and trust the outcome whatever it may be. I know this. I've known it all along. But it's still so painful. And the thought of this pedestaled hope called in vitro is getting real. So very real and now my heart is sinking with just the thought that it won't work.
I know if it doesn't we'll try again. It'll become a new process for us. But I just don't want it to be a process of repeated failures. I am so afraid. Believe it or not, in 3.5 years of trying, I haven't allowed myself to think of this possibility in such a reality form. But I am tonight. And with any realistic thinking, there is always the possibility that things don't go the way you want. I know I have to keep processing this. I have to force myself to imagine this process and to be comfortable and confident in God's hand guiding each step of the way. He's been with us all along. The only reason I don't give up. I can't give up. I will know if there is ever a time to give up, and we are not there. So I have to keep moving, and trust that this will be okay. The last 3.5 years have been okay. We haven't had a baby, but God has watched over us and blessed us. He has protected us from so much sadness and blessed us with so many blessings and memories that we'll have forever. Life is good.
I needed this. I needed to face IVF as the real option that it is now becoming for us. And with that, the reality that we don't control it. It may not be the end all be all. But it also just might. And I'm going to hold on and trust the future.
We need so many prayers. They are always appreciated.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Early October 2014
Update from May 2013 - October 2014.
It's crazy how much time passes, and we still don't have a baby. We took time off of the 'trying' after my surgery, but we truly never quit trying.
The last update I have was in May 2013.
I have gotten a lot busier with my job, and we are in our routine. The days are busy, and life goes by so quickly. But there hasn't been a month to pass that I didn't feel emotional upon realizing I wasn't pregnant. You can't shake it like that. It's a monthly disappointment, and feeling of failure and loneliness. Very hard to explain. I've gone from being withdrawn to super positive to avoidance to anger, pretty much any and all emotions and any and all reactions. I'm probably a text book or case study model at this point, and probably going by every expected element for someone who deals with this. The hardest part is the loneliness part. That's hard to explain, the loneliness. But you feel alone. It's just not very common to strike up conversation about infertility, and even when you are with dear friends, or your spouse, who talk to you about it and provide the best comfort out there, you feel lonely. It's because you don't have a baby. And you want one. That is the emptiness you feel. You want to be a mother, but you aren't one. Nothing can replace what that feeling would give. I'm not saying there is lack of happiness if I never become a mom, but I do know that is a major contribution to the hollowness and loneliness I feel around this. It's just a battle. And emotional drain.
Ugh, okay, enough sadness and wallowing, let me give some updates.
After last May, we just went back to normal trying. By Fall 2013, I decided to get a sonohistogram or something. Basically, a catheter up your cervix, and they put saline solution in your uterus to be able to examine your uterus, cervical opening, and tube openings (or in my case 'opening' since i'm a uni-tube!). I turned out fine. A+, yay. I also had several hormonal and cycle monitoring tests run. At the time I was 31, and the Dr had been leaning toward IVF based on my tubal issue and removal. But, after he got my test results back he said the health, quantity, and quality of my eggs was very good and I didn't need to rush into IVF; i had time. Well, i think it's what i needed, even though some days I wish I'd just jumped right on in knowing that I'm sitting here a year later still trying to have a baby. But, we waited. We planned our third trip to Europe (man, lack of children is going to cause us to take a ridiculous amount of overseas trips, haha). Our first one, back in 2010, was a 'pre-baby' trip....right. Second one, was the same...so now SURELY this third one would be the last 'pre-baby' trip. TBD
So, we met with the Dr in February 2014, thoroughly discussed IVF, knew it was our next option, and left with them having my paper work ready to go when we were. So the plan was to go to Europe in March 2014; longest trip of our lives (2 weeks!) in a good way. AWESOME time. So we did. We planned to start IVF when we got back. But we didn't. Weeks, then months went by. What was our deal? Oh yeah, we are stubborn as hell and have a lot of hope and faith and just HAD to wait longer to see if God was going to provide a child for us naturally. Well, God is saying, 'no, Amanda and Matt, time to make your next move'
Also, we had some moral hang ups. Some decisions to make. I don't know how much the average person knows about IVF ( i didn't know much ), but there are some strange feeling decisions to make. For example, if multiple embryos are healthy, and only 2 are implanted, what do you do with the rest? These decisions are hard. I don't want to go into all of that here, but we've discussed in great detail now what we would do (probably have 8 kids), and we are happy and comfortable with going forward. So, God wanted us to wait until we could be completely at ease with this. If that's ever the case.
So, I called the nurse in September 2014 after a failed attempt, 'surprise, there's blood in the toilet!' which means hey you started...again...surprise surprise, now make another move. I asked about the process and she said basically you start with the start of your cycle. which was that day. I felt rushed (after 3.5 years how can you feel rushed); but I did. Matt and I had (at this point) not completely had all conversations we needed to around IVF and the possibilities and this made it real enough that we did. We were now ready. The nurse said to call back when i started my next cycle, but due to 'quality control' they may have the offices shut down and won't be able to start my Oct cycle. Also some parts of dec they don't do egg retrievals...who knew?? But, ya know what, I'm totally patient. I've waited this long, what's two more months. The nurse said I was the most understanding patient she'd talked to about this...really? or am i just defeated....tired....put out by this journey. Or, maybe, just maybe I am (in the core of my being) confident in God's timing. Some days I don't know, but I feel comforted and protected, so I want to say I'm just confident in the timing of all of this. Worst, or latest case, we will start IVF in December, meaning fertilization, and hopeful hopeful please God if it's meant to be pregnancy will happen in January 2015. Best way I can think of to start a new year.
I'm hanging on to hope. It's what we do.
Prayers for miracles and God's will,
Amanda and Matt
It's crazy how much time passes, and we still don't have a baby. We took time off of the 'trying' after my surgery, but we truly never quit trying.
The last update I have was in May 2013.
I have gotten a lot busier with my job, and we are in our routine. The days are busy, and life goes by so quickly. But there hasn't been a month to pass that I didn't feel emotional upon realizing I wasn't pregnant. You can't shake it like that. It's a monthly disappointment, and feeling of failure and loneliness. Very hard to explain. I've gone from being withdrawn to super positive to avoidance to anger, pretty much any and all emotions and any and all reactions. I'm probably a text book or case study model at this point, and probably going by every expected element for someone who deals with this. The hardest part is the loneliness part. That's hard to explain, the loneliness. But you feel alone. It's just not very common to strike up conversation about infertility, and even when you are with dear friends, or your spouse, who talk to you about it and provide the best comfort out there, you feel lonely. It's because you don't have a baby. And you want one. That is the emptiness you feel. You want to be a mother, but you aren't one. Nothing can replace what that feeling would give. I'm not saying there is lack of happiness if I never become a mom, but I do know that is a major contribution to the hollowness and loneliness I feel around this. It's just a battle. And emotional drain.
Ugh, okay, enough sadness and wallowing, let me give some updates.
After last May, we just went back to normal trying. By Fall 2013, I decided to get a sonohistogram or something. Basically, a catheter up your cervix, and they put saline solution in your uterus to be able to examine your uterus, cervical opening, and tube openings (or in my case 'opening' since i'm a uni-tube!). I turned out fine. A+, yay. I also had several hormonal and cycle monitoring tests run. At the time I was 31, and the Dr had been leaning toward IVF based on my tubal issue and removal. But, after he got my test results back he said the health, quantity, and quality of my eggs was very good and I didn't need to rush into IVF; i had time. Well, i think it's what i needed, even though some days I wish I'd just jumped right on in knowing that I'm sitting here a year later still trying to have a baby. But, we waited. We planned our third trip to Europe (man, lack of children is going to cause us to take a ridiculous amount of overseas trips, haha). Our first one, back in 2010, was a 'pre-baby' trip....right. Second one, was the same...so now SURELY this third one would be the last 'pre-baby' trip. TBD
So, we met with the Dr in February 2014, thoroughly discussed IVF, knew it was our next option, and left with them having my paper work ready to go when we were. So the plan was to go to Europe in March 2014; longest trip of our lives (2 weeks!) in a good way. AWESOME time. So we did. We planned to start IVF when we got back. But we didn't. Weeks, then months went by. What was our deal? Oh yeah, we are stubborn as hell and have a lot of hope and faith and just HAD to wait longer to see if God was going to provide a child for us naturally. Well, God is saying, 'no, Amanda and Matt, time to make your next move'
Also, we had some moral hang ups. Some decisions to make. I don't know how much the average person knows about IVF ( i didn't know much ), but there are some strange feeling decisions to make. For example, if multiple embryos are healthy, and only 2 are implanted, what do you do with the rest? These decisions are hard. I don't want to go into all of that here, but we've discussed in great detail now what we would do (probably have 8 kids), and we are happy and comfortable with going forward. So, God wanted us to wait until we could be completely at ease with this. If that's ever the case.
So, I called the nurse in September 2014 after a failed attempt, 'surprise, there's blood in the toilet!' which means hey you started...again...surprise surprise, now make another move. I asked about the process and she said basically you start with the start of your cycle. which was that day. I felt rushed (after 3.5 years how can you feel rushed); but I did. Matt and I had (at this point) not completely had all conversations we needed to around IVF and the possibilities and this made it real enough that we did. We were now ready. The nurse said to call back when i started my next cycle, but due to 'quality control' they may have the offices shut down and won't be able to start my Oct cycle. Also some parts of dec they don't do egg retrievals...who knew?? But, ya know what, I'm totally patient. I've waited this long, what's two more months. The nurse said I was the most understanding patient she'd talked to about this...really? or am i just defeated....tired....put out by this journey. Or, maybe, just maybe I am (in the core of my being) confident in God's timing. Some days I don't know, but I feel comforted and protected, so I want to say I'm just confident in the timing of all of this. Worst, or latest case, we will start IVF in December, meaning fertilization, and hopeful hopeful please God if it's meant to be pregnancy will happen in January 2015. Best way I can think of to start a new year.
I'm hanging on to hope. It's what we do.
Prayers for miracles and God's will,
Amanda and Matt
LONG TIME long time - (written September 2014)
Below was an update from September 2014. Little did I realize at the time, we were weeks from making the decision to go forward with IVF.
It has been forever since I've blogged. 2012! So long. Much has gone on since then, and at the same time, not much as gone on.
Work: I got a promotion. Work constantly it seems. But I love my job, and love the challenges and fast paced days it brings. Matt is still at smith and nephew. He is doing well. He made it through multiple lay off's over the years, so I am thankful for that blessing.
Life: We live full time in Somerville now. It's great. It really is. It'd be hard to complain about all the simplicity of life out here. There are days that I feel so segmented between Memphis and my life out there vs. my life back 'home' but I'm learning to meld the balance. I think it's working out well; just takes adjustments.
More Life: Gah, where'd we leave off? We've been trying to have a baby for years now. I can't even go into everything we've tried or considered trying. Can't go into the emotional ups and downs. Wow. It's been the longest road we've ever shared. Matt has been the best to share it with. He doesn't let us lay down. He keeps up looking up, and keeps us living 'normal' to us until God's will and time is shown.
Fun life: we have 3 animals. We've just started calling them 'the animals' because they have too many names to reel off. There's Larry, Eddy, and Pappy, now. They're so super sweet. I love the chaos they bring to this home. We are goofy with them and just laugh at how silly they each are. They have their own personalities and it couldn't be more entertaining. We love them all so very much.
Other things: I am so happy to have friends and family. I know it doesn't come easy or expected, but I feel blessed to see my family on a regular basis and they are also my friends.
What's coming up: We go to Gulf Shores for almost a week. Should be fun! Can't wait!
It has been forever since I've blogged. 2012! So long. Much has gone on since then, and at the same time, not much as gone on.
Work: I got a promotion. Work constantly it seems. But I love my job, and love the challenges and fast paced days it brings. Matt is still at smith and nephew. He is doing well. He made it through multiple lay off's over the years, so I am thankful for that blessing.
Life: We live full time in Somerville now. It's great. It really is. It'd be hard to complain about all the simplicity of life out here. There are days that I feel so segmented between Memphis and my life out there vs. my life back 'home' but I'm learning to meld the balance. I think it's working out well; just takes adjustments.
More Life: Gah, where'd we leave off? We've been trying to have a baby for years now. I can't even go into everything we've tried or considered trying. Can't go into the emotional ups and downs. Wow. It's been the longest road we've ever shared. Matt has been the best to share it with. He doesn't let us lay down. He keeps up looking up, and keeps us living 'normal' to us until God's will and time is shown.
Fun life: we have 3 animals. We've just started calling them 'the animals' because they have too many names to reel off. There's Larry, Eddy, and Pappy, now. They're so super sweet. I love the chaos they bring to this home. We are goofy with them and just laugh at how silly they each are. They have their own personalities and it couldn't be more entertaining. We love them all so very much.
Other things: I am so happy to have friends and family. I know it doesn't come easy or expected, but I feel blessed to see my family on a regular basis and they are also my friends.
What's coming up: We go to Gulf Shores for almost a week. Should be fun! Can't wait!
Monday, July 6, 2015
Infertility Sucks (inspired over the past four years, but this excerpt sometime in 2014)
Let me preface this some....I wrote this LATE LATE one night. A night I could have gone to bed sad and woken up feeling a bit better, but I let myself pour out. The below was me pouring it all out. I don't feel sorry for myself, but I do think that people have been going through something like this just need to get it out. Let the pain and anger and sadness and confusion and loneliness pour out of you with no reservations.
So this was mine.
I'd say this was written sometime in early to mid 2014:
Infertility Sucks
Infertility sucks. There’s no better way of explaining it. It’s a monthly cycle of emotion. I don’t care what advice is given. I don’t care how peaceful you’ve become about it; the moment you see blood on the toilet paper, you’ve failed again. Another failed attempt. Depending where you are on the journey, maybe your hope was really high, or really low, but I’ve found the emotion that goes into the low hope is compounded by the numerous fails so far that even the low hope can bring unstoppable tears. So you cry. You silent cry because what will wailing do. You’re alone. Even if you have a spouse, you feel alone. You know God is there. But in that moment you are sad and angry. how many more blood stained toilet paper news do I have to bare. You ask.
Days pass, and you have a new layer to your scarred tissue. You’re tougher now. You’re more experienced at the pain. Days lead to indifference. You’re cool with whatever happens. Then, you’re almost mid-cycle and think ‘what the hell, let’s take an ovulation kit;” negative. But now you’re interest is up and you’re paying attention to your body again. Two days later, you know…you take a test, and there’s the smiley face. Oh that is great, you’re so in sync with your body. So, it’s sex for 3 days. If you haven’t already started the every other day…and it’s “incubation time” on the bed as if your’e a chicken incubating its egg, yet your pose resembles a strange labor and delivery scene. 10 minutes should be enough. So, it’s required sex, and required poses for 3-5 days. Then, you are relieved for some time off, and the next week is easy. If anything you might be aware of implantation, but on a good week, you blend in to indifference again. Then, the dreaded D-Day week. Each day, you can’t help but take notice of feelings. Three days before your period is due, you look at the toilet paper every time you wipe, even for a faint shade of pink or brown. Now, period is due. Where is it? Well, this is strange; i’m a 28-day-er. You start going through your iphone calendar to review the last several months. Has this happened before? Noway. But you can’t take a test. Nothing is more devastating than blood other than a negative pregnancy test. So you wait. Two days late. You’ve loosened up. Imagine the “it could really be happening.” The reasons why this timing is so perfect. The view of how God let it all fall into perfect place. You imagine it. The news. Knowing you have a baby inside of you. Could that really be you? After all these years. You go to bed thinking of it and how life will change. You wake up with energy because there is new excitement. Ten minutes later you get coffee and feel something too familiar. A cramp. No. You go to the toilet and nothing is there. This further validates that this could be happening. Minutes later, a cramp. A fear. A real fear. You shove the toilet paper up. Your husband hesitates getting into the shower because he wants to know. Blood. There it is. The red blood spot that screams you’ve failed again. Your husband, so supportive, has sad and frustration in his eyes. You sob. Quietly. Tears fall to the floor from your eyes. No sounds. You're fighting it. Not again. You’re so used to this, not again. Be strong. You know this deal.
You move on. Get ready for church, crying here and there. The rest of the day is sullen. You stay busy, but can’t deny the flutter of hope that resulted in a crash and burn, right over your toilet.
Then, you get to spend the next 48 hours with severe cramps. As if you need a reminder that things didn’t work out.
You yell to God. You cling. You push. You ask why. You have to give up. You do, but you wonder how you try if you give it up. You end up being noticeably somber, withdrawn.
Infertility is so lonely. If feels. so. lonely. And I am helpless.
God. Help me.
Love, Amanda
So this was mine.
I'd say this was written sometime in early to mid 2014:
Infertility Sucks
Days pass, and you have a new layer to your scarred tissue. You’re tougher now. You’re more experienced at the pain. Days lead to indifference. You’re cool with whatever happens. Then, you’re almost mid-cycle and think ‘what the hell, let’s take an ovulation kit;” negative. But now you’re interest is up and you’re paying attention to your body again. Two days later, you know…you take a test, and there’s the smiley face. Oh that is great, you’re so in sync with your body. So, it’s sex for 3 days. If you haven’t already started the every other day…and it’s “incubation time” on the bed as if your’e a chicken incubating its egg, yet your pose resembles a strange labor and delivery scene. 10 minutes should be enough. So, it’s required sex, and required poses for 3-5 days. Then, you are relieved for some time off, and the next week is easy. If anything you might be aware of implantation, but on a good week, you blend in to indifference again. Then, the dreaded D-Day week. Each day, you can’t help but take notice of feelings. Three days before your period is due, you look at the toilet paper every time you wipe, even for a faint shade of pink or brown. Now, period is due. Where is it? Well, this is strange; i’m a 28-day-er. You start going through your iphone calendar to review the last several months. Has this happened before? Noway. But you can’t take a test. Nothing is more devastating than blood other than a negative pregnancy test. So you wait. Two days late. You’ve loosened up. Imagine the “it could really be happening.” The reasons why this timing is so perfect. The view of how God let it all fall into perfect place. You imagine it. The news. Knowing you have a baby inside of you. Could that really be you? After all these years. You go to bed thinking of it and how life will change. You wake up with energy because there is new excitement. Ten minutes later you get coffee and feel something too familiar. A cramp. No. You go to the toilet and nothing is there. This further validates that this could be happening. Minutes later, a cramp. A fear. A real fear. You shove the toilet paper up. Your husband hesitates getting into the shower because he wants to know. Blood. There it is. The red blood spot that screams you’ve failed again. Your husband, so supportive, has sad and frustration in his eyes. You sob. Quietly. Tears fall to the floor from your eyes. No sounds. You're fighting it. Not again. You’re so used to this, not again. Be strong. You know this deal.
You move on. Get ready for church, crying here and there. The rest of the day is sullen. You stay busy, but can’t deny the flutter of hope that resulted in a crash and burn, right over your toilet.
Then, you get to spend the next 48 hours with severe cramps. As if you need a reminder that things didn’t work out.
You yell to God. You cling. You push. You ask why. You have to give up. You do, but you wonder how you try if you give it up. You end up being noticeably somber, withdrawn.
God. Help me.
Love, Amanda
Saturday, June 27, 2015
The ectopic surgery - (Sept 2012)
Below was me writing in 2013 about my ectopic surgery in 2012., and it's currently 2015....These dates will be confusing, sorry.
Update May 2013...9 months after my ectopic pregnancy and emergency surgery:
Update May 2013...9 months after my ectopic pregnancy and emergency surgery:
I’m 31. Life is good. Life has changed so much in the past year. Matt and I started trying to get pregnant in March 2011, then with no luck, in October, I started ovulation kits, then in Janurary 2012, he had his tests run, then May 2012, I began clomid. Welll, July 2012 I must have gotten pregnant, but I didn’t’ realize it until early September..thinking it was early from the most recent cycle. Turns out is was an ectopic pregnancy, Awful. Had to take MTX twice, and my levels wouldn’t go down enough. On at Tuesday at work in my new job, my tube ruptured. Worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. I just stood there sweating kind of hobbling around trying to relieve any pain possible. Matt picked me up 30 minutes later, and we headed to Germantown Hospital. The ride was awful. Every bump hurt. Thank God for Matt; I couldn’t have driven. Earlier Monday I was having those pains and was barely able to drive. I had to stop a few times. Anyway, so we get to Methodist, and I sit down and work to stay distracted,. I get called back and they do any xray. Then Im’ getting my blood drawn. My heart rate was about 100 and my blood pressure like 155/125…not normal for me (i'm usually 110/65 or so). I was just hurting. Finally we get to a room, and Dr. Tonkin comes in and tells us what we know. Surgery. Emergency. It was wild. They wheeled me to the surgery area, and I was in surgery within an hour. There were 8 people in my room at once trying to take blood from 4 different places but my veins which are already small were smaller i guess from blood loss. They were asking questions, washing my make up off, putting hot pads on my legs, asking about allergies, had I eaten or drank anything (of course), etc. It was mind boggling and so fast. Then I was rolled back. I still remember Matt’s kiss. Thoght it could be our last. Dramatic I know, but just in case. My surgery was 45 minutes. I had lost a lot of blood, 2 pints internally before surgery. But everything else checked out well. Yay. It’s May 2013, and we’re getting back into. It took a while to get over surgery and the emotional battles. But we started trying recently and I hope we have luck!!!!
BELOW outlines the day by day for anyone who may happen to need this, or if you know anyone who is going through something similar. I wished I'd had something to expect from someone's past experiences. This is what I posted to some sites that helped me when I had an ectopic:
Saturday, Sept 8 – pregnant
Monday – Tonkin, confirmed pregnancy, blood drawn.
Tuesday – high levels, 6300
Wednesday , Sept 12– ultrasound, EP identified, MTX shot, 6100
Friday – blood work 7000+
Tuesday – blood work 6300
Tuesday blood work again, MTX shot
Friday – blood work, 6100
Sunday pain, Tylenol managed
Monday blood work, 4500, pain, worse, Tylenol
Tuesday, terrible pain, no managing it, went to dr 1pm, surgery 4pm, salingscopy or whatever (removed tube)
Wednesday , Sept 26– recovery. Sore throat, very bloated, gas pains, incision pains; oxycodone manages it.
2 and ½ weeks of a whirlwind.
**It took me 1 week before going back to work and 2-3 weeks to fully recover.
I am now 30 days past surgery, and started my period yesterday. Normal period.
This site was such a comforting place to go during my EP nightmare, and I wanted to share my experience to hopefully help others the same that others on here helped me during that awful time.My main advice would be to not ignore the pain. The part that stood out the most about the pain was the pressure on my rectum (TMI, but that was the most noticeable weirdness for me and maybe it'll help someone to know)…intense pressure. Worst I've ever felt, like I could move or sit or walk, everything hurt and put pressure on me. I should have gone to the Dr a day before I did, but I kept convincing myself I’d ‘know’ if it had ruptured.
Friday, June 26, 2015
Early September 2012 - The Ectopic Pregnancy (Sept 2012)
This was written in September 2012 - so long ago! I wanted to start as far back as my drafts went:)
I won't forget September 12. It was the day I found out that I wouldn't be having a baby after all. Here's a little back story: Matt and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year now. It started with me getting off of birth control in March 2011 prior to a trip to Europe. We thought we'd go with the "don't try, but don't "not" try" method for a while. Beginning about July 2011, we started "timing" with what I thought was my cycle, just by counting days, and thinking somewhere around day 14 was the most fertile.
After a few months of being unsuccessful at that, I began using ovulation kits in October 2011. I thought that'd do the trick; pee on a stick, get a smiley face, and you're golden! That didn't work either, so a few months later, Matt went to have tests run to make sure all checked out for him. It was now January 2012, and his tests came back perfect! yay! We started with him because it's cheaper and easier:) By March, I was beginning to feel frustrated and a little down, so I went to my dr. again, and expressed my concern over not being successful, yet. I used to do statistics in my every day job, so I can't help but throw statistics at things to make sense of them, and I knew statistically, we were now an exception, or not 'the norm.' That concerned me, but I was still hopeful.
The Dr. said I could try Clomid. I got the prescription, but decided not to take it for a couple of months. I kept thinking THIS will be the month. Toward the end of May, I decided to go for it. 3 rounds of 50mg clomid later (so 3 months later), nothing. So, now I'm counting days, peeing on ovulation sticks, taking clomid, and feeling a bit put out with the process. Still hopeful, though. Every month I'm just as convinced as the last that this is the month. Now, we've gotten to August, and I had a weird 'period' on my 3rd round of clomid. Bad cramps, bright red blood, but it only lasted a day. All pregnancy tests were negative (and I have gone through a good share of those!), but I felt like something was weird. I got in to the dr, they do an ultrasound, and don't really see anything. They think they might see a slight cyst, on my right ovary but assume it's due to normal ovulation, or possibly the clomid. I see a different dr who recommends having an HSG (i think that's the name of it) done. It basically tests to be sure your fallopian tubes are not closed or malformed. I make the appt, but end up canceling on the day of because i got a job offer that I had been going through rounds of interviews for that day, and decided I needed to stay at work. I also had opted out of clomid that month because I needed a break.
Now, we're to the beginning of Sept. Matt and I are at the beach, and I'm on about day 24 of my cycle (hopeful my period will not come this time and that we've gotten pregnant with no clomid). I start having terrible pain in my lower abdomen, but end up falling asleep. I wake up in the middle of the night to feeling like I had started. Sure enough, blood. But, bright red, and again this time it only lasted a few hours. I assume it's my period, and am a little emotional over yet another unsuccessful month of trying to get pregnant. A week passes, and it's September 8. I run in the Cotton Pickin 5K that day; afterwards, I notice my breasts are still tender from what I thought was my period over a week ago. I take a pregnancy test on a whim, and PREGNANT shows up. I freak out, tell Matt, and we both cry with excitement and relief. I had to take about 2 more to be sure it was real. I'm floored. Can't believe it! I make an appt for Monday, and see the Dr. Sure enough, strong positive. She gives me all kinds of reading material on pregnancy, and am feeling totally surreal. My dr is so excited, and we go over what I can and can't eat, how often I'll be coming in etc. I request bloodwork because i was worried about that earlier "spotting" from a week ago. I get that taken, and she prepares me that my levels (hCG) will probably be low because I'm only 4 weeks. She said when they get to 1500 we can probably see the baby, or at least the gestational sac.
I get a call Wednesday from the nurse who says my hCG levels are 6200!! WHAT?!?! I'm thinking it must be twins...but how? I wasn't on clomid this month. I'm excited because with those levels we'll definitely see something. The nurse says the same and schedules an ultrasound that day. I call Matt so he can come since we're sure we'll get to see something. It's about 4:30, September 12, and i'm on the table with Matt in the room, and the lady administering the ultrasound. It's taking too long. She asks if I've been cramping and bleeding, but I had not for at least a week or so. I start to just know something is off. Finally, she says what I don't want to hear: there is no baby in there. nothing. But, she adds that she's concerned because she sees something in my fallopian tube, and if it is what she thinks that can be life threatening. what?? Now I'm just in a complete state of shock and confusion. The rest of this day was a blur.
I'm rushed to a room where I get a rohgam shot (msp) because I'm rh negative; nice to know, but I'm so confused. Then, we're taken to the dr's office (not my normal dr, but a very nice one all the same). He informs us that without a doubt there is no viable pregnancy in me, but what appears to be a tubal pregnancy. Ectopic pregnancy. I'd read about it, but it's SO RARE, noway this is happening.
I'm some other form of myself now. I'm hearing him, but nothing makes sense. Why are the levels so high? What are our options? We were told there are really no options other than me taking MTX or surgery. They recommend the drug. I'm devastated. This drug is a low (very low) dose of something like chemotherapy. Stops the division of cells and strips your body of folates?? What the hell is this man talking about. All I know is he's looking to us to make a decision and his recommendation is to take action immediately for my health and hopeful preservation of my tube and a future successful pregnancy. I'm still hung up on trying to realize that THIS one isn't successful. The risk is a tube rupture which could mean I lose it, and also means emergency surgery which could come with complications.
In 5 minutes, I've realized there is no baby in my uterus, given some shot I still don't understand, and am now supposed to say yes to some treatment that will stop the growth of this poor embryo baby in my body that just implanted in the wrong spot. I'm heartbroken. We managed to make the decision to take the treatment rather than surgery. I am taken to another room where they draw blood; I remember how much it hurt because she used regular needles (i'm supposed to have butterfly b/c of my stupid tiny veins), but I didn't care. I was in some other state. My wonderful husband looked on while I got prodded, and I just sat there trying to comprehend. We were then taken to the room where they'd give me the MTX. It's two shots, one in each hip. Before she administered them she said they'd hurt. That was it; i lost it. I'm holding Matt's hand, and trying to fight back emotion. Here I am, just found out the baby I was so excited over will not make it due to where it is, have been given shots, blood drawn, and now am told that the shot that is going to (in my mind) hurt my baby is going to hurt. I'm devastated at all of these events. It's pain upon pain, and I'm so sad. I get the shots, and then sit there and cry. The nurses were so kind. It was well after 5 and they stayed just for us until I could pull myself together some. They brought water and offered apologies.
I looked over at Matt and told him how strange this all was. You never think about this side of pregnancy when you come to the gynocologist. This ugly, sad, painful side. These nurses have to see it every day, and they treated me like I was the first one they had ever had. It gave me an appreciation for the people who endure the other side, the disappointing side, and the painful side of pregnancy. They don't all end happily with a healthy baby, and I'd never realized to the degree I felt that moment. It's the most painful experience I've ever had. The minute you find out your pregnant, you may as well have mothered that child all your life. And to get a shot to rid yourself of that pregnancy for your own sake, and for the reasoning that it will never survive was impossible to comprehend. Heartbroken is the only way I can describe it.
We left my car at the hospital and went home. Matt told my brother and Erin, and my parents. He's such a good husband. He knew I couldn't go through that story again. not yet. I sat at home and cried my eyes out. Shook with sadness and just let it all out. When Matt got home, we sat on the couch together. Sweet Larry and Wally got up there, too. Usually we don't want them on the couch but this night our family needed each other, and I didn't care who was on the couch. That moment gave us strength. We prayed for a long time. The next two days at work were rough, but what I needed to get my mind off of it. The pain (phsycial) started Friday. It was intense, and there was bleeding. It's now Satruday, and the pain is better. If my levels aren't down by Tuesday, I have to take another shot. I'm praying I do not. The shot is rough because it drains you of your energy, gives cramps, causes bleeding, nausea, etc. I've never felt so exhausted. I can't imagine what full blown chemotherapy looks like. This is the lowest dosage of that, and I feel like walking up the stairs is like running a marathon.
I know things will get better. I know we'll have a baby at some point, but this was something that I'll never forget. I never imagined it, and could have never prepared myself for how it would make me feel. I was talking to Matt before work yesterday and was asking how people got through hard times if they didn't have God. If it weren't for God I'd see this as punishment, and it'd hurt even worse. This is not punishment. This is God's plan, and he wouldn't give it to us if he weren't going to see us through it. Whatever is happening in his plan right now is perfect, and I'm going to keep going as hopeful as i've ever been. I was talking to Carrie about this and she mentioned how sorry she initially felt for celebrating the pregnancy news so much and making such a big deal about it. But then she thought, no, that's what we'll do next time as well. You can't live in fear that something you have no control over will be disappointing every time. You have to keep hope, or you have nothing. I'm completely hopeful that God will provide us with a baby in his perfect timing. Until then, I'm holding on to His hope.
I won't forget September 12. It was the day I found out that I wouldn't be having a baby after all. Here's a little back story: Matt and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year now. It started with me getting off of birth control in March 2011 prior to a trip to Europe. We thought we'd go with the "don't try, but don't "not" try" method for a while. Beginning about July 2011, we started "timing" with what I thought was my cycle, just by counting days, and thinking somewhere around day 14 was the most fertile.
After a few months of being unsuccessful at that, I began using ovulation kits in October 2011. I thought that'd do the trick; pee on a stick, get a smiley face, and you're golden! That didn't work either, so a few months later, Matt went to have tests run to make sure all checked out for him. It was now January 2012, and his tests came back perfect! yay! We started with him because it's cheaper and easier:) By March, I was beginning to feel frustrated and a little down, so I went to my dr. again, and expressed my concern over not being successful, yet. I used to do statistics in my every day job, so I can't help but throw statistics at things to make sense of them, and I knew statistically, we were now an exception, or not 'the norm.' That concerned me, but I was still hopeful.
The Dr. said I could try Clomid. I got the prescription, but decided not to take it for a couple of months. I kept thinking THIS will be the month. Toward the end of May, I decided to go for it. 3 rounds of 50mg clomid later (so 3 months later), nothing. So, now I'm counting days, peeing on ovulation sticks, taking clomid, and feeling a bit put out with the process. Still hopeful, though. Every month I'm just as convinced as the last that this is the month. Now, we've gotten to August, and I had a weird 'period' on my 3rd round of clomid. Bad cramps, bright red blood, but it only lasted a day. All pregnancy tests were negative (and I have gone through a good share of those!), but I felt like something was weird. I got in to the dr, they do an ultrasound, and don't really see anything. They think they might see a slight cyst, on my right ovary but assume it's due to normal ovulation, or possibly the clomid. I see a different dr who recommends having an HSG (i think that's the name of it) done. It basically tests to be sure your fallopian tubes are not closed or malformed. I make the appt, but end up canceling on the day of because i got a job offer that I had been going through rounds of interviews for that day, and decided I needed to stay at work. I also had opted out of clomid that month because I needed a break.
Now, we're to the beginning of Sept. Matt and I are at the beach, and I'm on about day 24 of my cycle (hopeful my period will not come this time and that we've gotten pregnant with no clomid). I start having terrible pain in my lower abdomen, but end up falling asleep. I wake up in the middle of the night to feeling like I had started. Sure enough, blood. But, bright red, and again this time it only lasted a few hours. I assume it's my period, and am a little emotional over yet another unsuccessful month of trying to get pregnant. A week passes, and it's September 8. I run in the Cotton Pickin 5K that day; afterwards, I notice my breasts are still tender from what I thought was my period over a week ago. I take a pregnancy test on a whim, and PREGNANT shows up. I freak out, tell Matt, and we both cry with excitement and relief. I had to take about 2 more to be sure it was real. I'm floored. Can't believe it! I make an appt for Monday, and see the Dr. Sure enough, strong positive. She gives me all kinds of reading material on pregnancy, and am feeling totally surreal. My dr is so excited, and we go over what I can and can't eat, how often I'll be coming in etc. I request bloodwork because i was worried about that earlier "spotting" from a week ago. I get that taken, and she prepares me that my levels (hCG) will probably be low because I'm only 4 weeks. She said when they get to 1500 we can probably see the baby, or at least the gestational sac.
I get a call Wednesday from the nurse who says my hCG levels are 6200!! WHAT?!?! I'm thinking it must be twins...but how? I wasn't on clomid this month. I'm excited because with those levels we'll definitely see something. The nurse says the same and schedules an ultrasound that day. I call Matt so he can come since we're sure we'll get to see something. It's about 4:30, September 12, and i'm on the table with Matt in the room, and the lady administering the ultrasound. It's taking too long. She asks if I've been cramping and bleeding, but I had not for at least a week or so. I start to just know something is off. Finally, she says what I don't want to hear: there is no baby in there. nothing. But, she adds that she's concerned because she sees something in my fallopian tube, and if it is what she thinks that can be life threatening. what?? Now I'm just in a complete state of shock and confusion. The rest of this day was a blur.
I'm rushed to a room where I get a rohgam shot (msp) because I'm rh negative; nice to know, but I'm so confused. Then, we're taken to the dr's office (not my normal dr, but a very nice one all the same). He informs us that without a doubt there is no viable pregnancy in me, but what appears to be a tubal pregnancy. Ectopic pregnancy. I'd read about it, but it's SO RARE, noway this is happening.
I'm some other form of myself now. I'm hearing him, but nothing makes sense. Why are the levels so high? What are our options? We were told there are really no options other than me taking MTX or surgery. They recommend the drug. I'm devastated. This drug is a low (very low) dose of something like chemotherapy. Stops the division of cells and strips your body of folates?? What the hell is this man talking about. All I know is he's looking to us to make a decision and his recommendation is to take action immediately for my health and hopeful preservation of my tube and a future successful pregnancy. I'm still hung up on trying to realize that THIS one isn't successful. The risk is a tube rupture which could mean I lose it, and also means emergency surgery which could come with complications.
In 5 minutes, I've realized there is no baby in my uterus, given some shot I still don't understand, and am now supposed to say yes to some treatment that will stop the growth of this poor embryo baby in my body that just implanted in the wrong spot. I'm heartbroken. We managed to make the decision to take the treatment rather than surgery. I am taken to another room where they draw blood; I remember how much it hurt because she used regular needles (i'm supposed to have butterfly b/c of my stupid tiny veins), but I didn't care. I was in some other state. My wonderful husband looked on while I got prodded, and I just sat there trying to comprehend. We were then taken to the room where they'd give me the MTX. It's two shots, one in each hip. Before she administered them she said they'd hurt. That was it; i lost it. I'm holding Matt's hand, and trying to fight back emotion. Here I am, just found out the baby I was so excited over will not make it due to where it is, have been given shots, blood drawn, and now am told that the shot that is going to (in my mind) hurt my baby is going to hurt. I'm devastated at all of these events. It's pain upon pain, and I'm so sad. I get the shots, and then sit there and cry. The nurses were so kind. It was well after 5 and they stayed just for us until I could pull myself together some. They brought water and offered apologies.
I looked over at Matt and told him how strange this all was. You never think about this side of pregnancy when you come to the gynocologist. This ugly, sad, painful side. These nurses have to see it every day, and they treated me like I was the first one they had ever had. It gave me an appreciation for the people who endure the other side, the disappointing side, and the painful side of pregnancy. They don't all end happily with a healthy baby, and I'd never realized to the degree I felt that moment. It's the most painful experience I've ever had. The minute you find out your pregnant, you may as well have mothered that child all your life. And to get a shot to rid yourself of that pregnancy for your own sake, and for the reasoning that it will never survive was impossible to comprehend. Heartbroken is the only way I can describe it.
We left my car at the hospital and went home. Matt told my brother and Erin, and my parents. He's such a good husband. He knew I couldn't go through that story again. not yet. I sat at home and cried my eyes out. Shook with sadness and just let it all out. When Matt got home, we sat on the couch together. Sweet Larry and Wally got up there, too. Usually we don't want them on the couch but this night our family needed each other, and I didn't care who was on the couch. That moment gave us strength. We prayed for a long time. The next two days at work were rough, but what I needed to get my mind off of it. The pain (phsycial) started Friday. It was intense, and there was bleeding. It's now Satruday, and the pain is better. If my levels aren't down by Tuesday, I have to take another shot. I'm praying I do not. The shot is rough because it drains you of your energy, gives cramps, causes bleeding, nausea, etc. I've never felt so exhausted. I can't imagine what full blown chemotherapy looks like. This is the lowest dosage of that, and I feel like walking up the stairs is like running a marathon.
I know things will get better. I know we'll have a baby at some point, but this was something that I'll never forget. I never imagined it, and could have never prepared myself for how it would make me feel. I was talking to Matt before work yesterday and was asking how people got through hard times if they didn't have God. If it weren't for God I'd see this as punishment, and it'd hurt even worse. This is not punishment. This is God's plan, and he wouldn't give it to us if he weren't going to see us through it. Whatever is happening in his plan right now is perfect, and I'm going to keep going as hopeful as i've ever been. I was talking to Carrie about this and she mentioned how sorry she initially felt for celebrating the pregnancy news so much and making such a big deal about it. But then she thought, no, that's what we'll do next time as well. You can't live in fear that something you have no control over will be disappointing every time. You have to keep hope, or you have nothing. I'm completely hopeful that God will provide us with a baby in his perfect timing. Until then, I'm holding on to His hope.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Get Ready for Lots Of Posts!!!! - But first, an explanation (June 2015)
June 2015
Hii!!!!
Long time no post. I wanted to warn anyone who currently follows me that I'm about to blow up the newsfeed thing, and I apologize.
For the past 4 years, Matt and I have tried to get pregnant. It's been the longest journey of my life so far, and full of so many emotions and experiences. I am currently 25 weeks pregnant. Part of me is still scared to 'go live' on this even now, although obviously people know I'm pregnant. I think if you've dealt with infertility, you never fully have comfort over being pregnant/getting pregnant/having any success around a baby.
I am a pretty private person. Aside from family and very close friends, I did not share much about this journey. I think even if you told the world about it, you'd still feel very lonely. It's the strangest range of emotion. I've never felt so lonely, withdrawn, or as much of a failure as I have over the past 4 years. It's a dark dark place. Not that it was every day. But it was always there, just under the surface, and it affected me more than I even knew at the time. Now that we are pregnant, I feel real happiness I haven't felt in a while, and truly happier than I remember being in such long time.
I pray for anyone going through infertility. It starts out tough, but the longer you face it and continue trying and continue the journey, the tougher and more suffocated it can become until you're in somewhat of a depression. And anyone who says they conquered those feelings, you are strong than I. I think my only way to let it go was to give up; and I couldn't! I just couldn't give up. I tried to move past it, and I even convinced myself many times i was fine, but I never was. I was always empty, hollow, and lonely over it. Again, i didn't mope every day, and most people who have been around me over the past 4 years wouldn't say I acted differently, but it was always there.
One of my memories of it was Mother's Day 2014. I was at church, and barely made it through the sermon. I'd been so tough about it. Each month I'd 'fail' then pick myself up and have tougher skin for next time. But then there'd be the moments of total meltdowns. And, I remember Mother's Day was especially hard. I wasn't jealous, and I wasn't resentful of the occasion, I was just truly broken over it. I cried from the pew as discreetly as possible, and felt the familiar feeling of helplessness.
I trusted God through all of this. I never lost that. I always had hope. As painful as the failures would be I could NEVER give up. As hard as it was to pick up and try again, I knew I had to because I believed it to be our road to travel. I knew it would happen in time, even when I melted down and yelled over the frustration of it failing yet again. I squashed the thoughts of 'will i ever be a mom' with hope for the next cycle. But it didn't feel any better. It was still hard. And although I knew God would take care of us, I was broken about this road we were on.
I am forever thankful and joyful to the point of tears upon every reflection of the fact that we are now pregnant. For us, IVF was the answer. It's not the answer for everyone. But, I am so thankful that this was an option, because through it, God is providing us with the biggest miracle I have ever experienced. The scared infertility side of me reminds myself that nothing is guaranteed, to not assume all ends well here. Infertility teaches you things can fail over and over, and to never get comfortable with an assumed or desired outcome. But, even with that dreadful thought in mind, I can say 100% I am as thankful as I can be to even be at this point. Every day that I carry this little girl is a day I don't take for granted. God has blessed us. If it all ends tomorrow, God has truly blessed us and filled my heart in a way that only He can and in a way that I needed so badly. I cannot wait to meet this little girl. She is the greatest blessing I have ever received, even if I were to never get the chance to meet her (how's that for a depressing infertility comment). But it's true. I'm just thankful for every day it doesn't fail. As sad as that may sound, it's a true source of happiness.
All that said, I would like to share my story. As I fought through infertility, I turned to God, but let's face it, I turned to the internet a lot, too. It was the best way to connect with people in the same situation. I received so much comfort just reading others' blogs and comments. I would have been so much lonelier without it. While it is a very personal story, and I prefer to stay private, I am moved to share because I want to help provide any bit of comfort possible to anyone experiencing infertility. You're not alone, and not every month will be a failure. Miracles happen.
I'm putting this out there for someone to stumble upon and get comfort or feel a bit less lonely. I'm putting it out there for awareness for anyone who's interested. Again, I apologize for my 11 or so followers that I will blow up the newsfeed with this:) Please bare with me!
So, here is my completely and i mean COMPLETELY honest story. If you don't like full exposure of thoughts/experiences, if you can't stand needles and talks of fallopian tubes or other female anatomy you may want to quit following for a while. WARNING there is a lot of disclosure of the IVF process. Pictures included. I was hesitant over the pictures because of the lack of privacy there, but I want others to know what's involved. It made my experience so much better to get insight from others' blogs each step of the way.
so here goes. Again, i apologize for the overload. These have been in draft mode for months, some posts for years...i will try my best to stay chronological, and to reference the real date in the subject line.
Hope you enjoy.
Love, Amanda
Hii!!!!
Long time no post. I wanted to warn anyone who currently follows me that I'm about to blow up the newsfeed thing, and I apologize.
For the past 4 years, Matt and I have tried to get pregnant. It's been the longest journey of my life so far, and full of so many emotions and experiences. I am currently 25 weeks pregnant. Part of me is still scared to 'go live' on this even now, although obviously people know I'm pregnant. I think if you've dealt with infertility, you never fully have comfort over being pregnant/getting pregnant/having any success around a baby.
I am a pretty private person. Aside from family and very close friends, I did not share much about this journey. I think even if you told the world about it, you'd still feel very lonely. It's the strangest range of emotion. I've never felt so lonely, withdrawn, or as much of a failure as I have over the past 4 years. It's a dark dark place. Not that it was every day. But it was always there, just under the surface, and it affected me more than I even knew at the time. Now that we are pregnant, I feel real happiness I haven't felt in a while, and truly happier than I remember being in such long time.
I pray for anyone going through infertility. It starts out tough, but the longer you face it and continue trying and continue the journey, the tougher and more suffocated it can become until you're in somewhat of a depression. And anyone who says they conquered those feelings, you are strong than I. I think my only way to let it go was to give up; and I couldn't! I just couldn't give up. I tried to move past it, and I even convinced myself many times i was fine, but I never was. I was always empty, hollow, and lonely over it. Again, i didn't mope every day, and most people who have been around me over the past 4 years wouldn't say I acted differently, but it was always there.
One of my memories of it was Mother's Day 2014. I was at church, and barely made it through the sermon. I'd been so tough about it. Each month I'd 'fail' then pick myself up and have tougher skin for next time. But then there'd be the moments of total meltdowns. And, I remember Mother's Day was especially hard. I wasn't jealous, and I wasn't resentful of the occasion, I was just truly broken over it. I cried from the pew as discreetly as possible, and felt the familiar feeling of helplessness.
I trusted God through all of this. I never lost that. I always had hope. As painful as the failures would be I could NEVER give up. As hard as it was to pick up and try again, I knew I had to because I believed it to be our road to travel. I knew it would happen in time, even when I melted down and yelled over the frustration of it failing yet again. I squashed the thoughts of 'will i ever be a mom' with hope for the next cycle. But it didn't feel any better. It was still hard. And although I knew God would take care of us, I was broken about this road we were on.
I am forever thankful and joyful to the point of tears upon every reflection of the fact that we are now pregnant. For us, IVF was the answer. It's not the answer for everyone. But, I am so thankful that this was an option, because through it, God is providing us with the biggest miracle I have ever experienced. The scared infertility side of me reminds myself that nothing is guaranteed, to not assume all ends well here. Infertility teaches you things can fail over and over, and to never get comfortable with an assumed or desired outcome. But, even with that dreadful thought in mind, I can say 100% I am as thankful as I can be to even be at this point. Every day that I carry this little girl is a day I don't take for granted. God has blessed us. If it all ends tomorrow, God has truly blessed us and filled my heart in a way that only He can and in a way that I needed so badly. I cannot wait to meet this little girl. She is the greatest blessing I have ever received, even if I were to never get the chance to meet her (how's that for a depressing infertility comment). But it's true. I'm just thankful for every day it doesn't fail. As sad as that may sound, it's a true source of happiness.
All that said, I would like to share my story. As I fought through infertility, I turned to God, but let's face it, I turned to the internet a lot, too. It was the best way to connect with people in the same situation. I received so much comfort just reading others' blogs and comments. I would have been so much lonelier without it. While it is a very personal story, and I prefer to stay private, I am moved to share because I want to help provide any bit of comfort possible to anyone experiencing infertility. You're not alone, and not every month will be a failure. Miracles happen.
I'm putting this out there for someone to stumble upon and get comfort or feel a bit less lonely. I'm putting it out there for awareness for anyone who's interested. Again, I apologize for my 11 or so followers that I will blow up the newsfeed with this:) Please bare with me!
So, here is my completely and i mean COMPLETELY honest story. If you don't like full exposure of thoughts/experiences, if you can't stand needles and talks of fallopian tubes or other female anatomy you may want to quit following for a while. WARNING there is a lot of disclosure of the IVF process. Pictures included. I was hesitant over the pictures because of the lack of privacy there, but I want others to know what's involved. It made my experience so much better to get insight from others' blogs each step of the way.
so here goes. Again, i apologize for the overload. These have been in draft mode for months, some posts for years...i will try my best to stay chronological, and to reference the real date in the subject line.
Hope you enjoy.
Love, Amanda
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