Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da: Day 82-84, Tues-Thurs, Getting Ready for Transfer

Well, today is technically Friday, so let me try to remember what has happened since Monday:)

Tuesday: Work sucked (this ended up being one of the most stressful work weeks...oh well! I'm praying and hopeful it will NOT effect this process.

For dinner we had Lemon Caper chicken things. Then, after we ate we realized it wasn't enough food, so Matt went to McDonald's and got me a hot fudge sundae and he got some chicken nuggets. We did beer this night. I had (maybe 1-2), but just sampled 3-4. It was a lot of fun actually. We played "battle shots" which is like battle ship but with shots of beer. I get that is may sound crazy that we're having these party fun times leading up, but I'm really not drinking a lot. Just trying to do the things I hope to cease for the next 9 months...like playing battle shots with blue moon.

We also watched Dead Poet's Society. I cried. I love that movie.

I also texted some of my closest friends to let them know what was going down this week. Their responses and love were overwhelming. I cried again. God is so good.

Wednesday. Work was a bear again. It won't end.

For dinner, we had champagne chicken thighs, chick peas, and green beans (we learned that just the chicken wasn't enough). My drink of choice was champagne. We took it next door and ended up having some rotel too with David and Erin, and hanging out with them for a while. It was a lot of fun.

Thursday...okay folks this day went sideways, but maybe expected...lots of build up. Work was awful as usual this week, just tons of stress, and I was trying to leave early so I could get to the grocery for things while I'm on modified bed rest, and still get home in time to get my shot and be calm.
This didn't happen. I left work early, but for some reason, on the way home I had a meltdown. The stress was surface and had to come out.

Matt called and was going to get me a nice bottle of wine, so I could have a really nice glass and just chill. He asked if I could pick it up. Guys, this is no big deal. But I flipped out because I wanted to be home. This lead to a total cry fest all the way home. I had to stop in the bank parking lot when I got to Somerville and do that painful cry. The one where there are no sounds just ugly faces. My mind was reeling. I was sad and lonely and so broken down over not being able to have a baby. I was feeling judged for IVF (i haven't updated on this much, but there are so many views of course). Some views are that women rush into IVF, and it's irresponsible and blah blah. I don't know if I feel like writing all about it right now, but I can say 100% I have no regrets. Would I choose this? Hell no. We're here after 4 years of trying to have a baby, an ectopic, multiple tests, clomid, blah blah and more blah. It's a lonely road. And there's an emptiness that I am not sure how to explain, but its the one that makes you meltdown into the no noise ugly face cry.

We've gone about this prayerfully along the way. I have complete assurance that God is leading this whole process. To sum it up to those who feel that IVF is irresponsible: Guess what. God won't allow a baby to be born unless it's in his will. WE do not control that. We utilize technology and act as responsibly as possible with it to lead to a baby, but ultimately, no human creates life. End of story.

Anyway, that wasn't the total reason for the meltdown, it was more or less just the occasional realization of all we've been through in this journey and sometimes it's overwhelming and you need to scream/cry. And that's fine. I let it all out, and let it go.

I got home and took a shower because my face was full of tears, snot, and mascara. I prayed and prayed and asked for God to take it off of me. I give it all up to him. We've done what we can, all the way with prayer, and I had to drop the weight. I had let the stress build into an explosion. We're human. It's going to happen. But infertility is just another reminder that we aren't in control. If I were in control, then yes, I'm a failure. I've tried for 4 years at something and failed. But I'm NOT a failure because this is God's plan and our journey, and as long as we're on that we're in a perfect place.

I was instantly calm. Matt got home. We kind of laughed at the last couple of hours. We ate yummy halibut we'd been saving from Alaska (a coworker was there and sent it to us). I had my nice glass of wine, and I passed out in the chair feeling positive, loved, thankful, and ready for the next day!

A friend sent me the below