Day 31-33, November 24-26 - updates and I'm going a little crazy

I went to the Dr this morning. They only did blood work. They called back that afternoon and told me to continue with my meds and come back Wednesday morning. My epidiol levels were 273. That's pretty high which is good. You don't want it too high, but that's not too high.

This day was weird; i had two dizzy spells, and then felt out of it all night. I called the nurse and she said hormones can make you feel all kinds of weird.
Let me put it this way: it's actually Wednesday and I'm updating the blog while watching the Kourtney and Khloe take the Hamptons or whatever...i just started crying when Scott Disek went to rehab because he left all these toys for his kids and Kourtney was sad she didn't get to say goodbye before he left. WTF.
There is some understanding when crying over sweet commercials with babies and animals, but seriously?!?!?! This is where I am right now....crying over Kourtney and Scott.

Anyway.

Matt and I moved back into our house Monday. It was nice because I had some house work to do. I went to the grocery store after work, got home and took my meds about 15 after 7 (eek), then ironed until almost 9. We had fish...it was okay.

Tuesday was fine. I'm definitely hormonal. Don't like that! I feel so tired and just not like myself. I made it through work, then got home and made cheesecake. It was a disaster because I had a small spring form plan, but the recipe was for a larger one. The crust ended up taking up like a full inch...ha! Oh well, whatevs, it'll still taste like cheesecake.

WEDNESDAY - oh wednesday, november 26, you will live on in infamy.

CAN WE SAY HORMONES?!?!?!?!?

I had to go back to the dr this day. I cried twice in the Dr's office. I had my levels checked and my follicles counted measured. They want at least 4 measurable follicles to continue with the cycle. I had eleven. 5 on one 6 on the other. In total, counting the smaller ones that could turn into larger ones, I have 37. Yes, 37. My ultrasound tech asked if I could feel my ovary. Well....no. I don't think so. She said it would feel heavy and painful. She was surprised i didn't feel it.

So after leaving, I get worried I'll hyperstim or ovulate. The ultrasound tech said my uterus looked thick enough already...i'm like, okay uterus you better get in a holding pattern because we've got about 5 more days, okay?!?

The nurse calls me later and tells me to continue the same dosage and come back Saturday. Well, with tomorrow being Thanksgiving,  I just worry; like maybe I should go in Friday so they can check and just be sure I'm not about to pop!! I'm so very anxious over the possibility (although rare) that I could ovulate on my own, and then this is all over; they'll have to cancel.

Matt said I have to trust the Dr's and the process and most of all God. I know that. I'm doing what I'm told; i'm not the Dr, so i'm doing my best to do what I'm told. For example, Lupron is the suppressing drug I'm on...it keeps the ovulation from happening. Tonight I was SO extra careful to measure my dosage erring on the side of heavy and also I HAVE to be sure I'm very close to the same time each day. i have been good being right around 7, but it can waiver from 6:40-7:15....i'm going to try and be right on 7 again.

Anyway, i have all that going through my mind. And, I just feel crappy. By the end of the day my right side DOES HURT. It's just aching. Feels a lot like menstrual cramps but just such a feeling of fullness as well. Achy and full. And right in time for Thanksgiving I can't stuff myself...at least not at one sitting; i'll have to spread it out.

Well, I was all worried about ovulating or hyper stimulating, and Matt finally called the nurse. Thank the Lord for him because he takes action quickly. The nurse said this basically, "she's going to be bloated, feel very full, be in pain, be emotional, not want to wear real pants (YES!), and all of this is normal because currently her ovaries are bigger than her uterus." Okay, what what?? If you've ever seen any anatomy picture, the ovaries are not close tot he uterus size. So, this explained it all to me better. She said hyperstimming usually doesn't present itself until after egg transfer, and she said that ovulating is a possibility, but i'm at no more risk than anyone else, and it's rare. I am trying SO HARD to just trust God and let my worries go.

So, if all this wasn't enough, I go to my parents house, and start making my taco soup (we always do a Mexican Fiesta the night before Thanksgiving). We say it's to stretch our stomachs. Well, we usually look forward to this more than thanksgiving almost. I was just not feeling it already. I was pissy, and bloated, and just tired tired tired. My hand and arm hurt from using the can opener. Honestly, my muscles are fatigued from typing right now. It's ridiculous. no energy. Well, i do my shots, finish my soup, then after we sit down for dinner (without going into detail), my brother and I have a quick but mighty knock down drag out. I don't want to go into all the detail, but it was saddening. What a disappointing Thanksgiving Eve. It was like we were on a reality show; our family. We're not a dramatic family, but this night goes up there on drama level. Just ALL levels of drama, and coming from all angles (not just my IVF). But of course, the lovely hormones made this terrible to deal with. I'm still reeling from it in a way. I'll get over it. I really wish I could explain it all. It wasn't just hormone laced, there was substance a lot there, but that's a whole other blog. The good news is all is well. We chatted for a while and everything is lovely. But now I'm just sitting on my couch feeling my ovary try and bust out of my side, and I'm just emotionally drained and spent. My Dr. warned me that Thanksgiving week would be my hardest week in this whole process. He was damn right. DAMN. RIGHT.

I'm so worn out. Thankful? Absolutely. But I'm moody as hell, crying at everything, tired of shots, worried, and I just need to let it all go. But good gosh it's hard when your hormones are astronomical! And with each shot i give I think "well there's an emotional meltdown to come." HA!

All that said, I truly am thankful, things are looking good and I am so ready to get to Saturday and see how the follicles and levels are going. I'm hoping and praying I go in for retrieval this Sunday or Monday. Really hopeful for that.

Peace! Amanda

PS Just cried again because French bought Khloe a Jeep for her 30th birthday and it was so sweet when they hug. someone put me away!!!!

Day 30 - Nov. 23, Sunday - Much easier today!

Today was a good day. It started early, 6:15 shot time, but the menopur shot went really well this morning.

My enthusiasm is amazing here

My set up

Then, we got up and went to church. The service was awesome. We just got a new preacher, Ted Dennis, and I have really been enjoying his sermons. We are so very thankful to have a minister, now; my heart really overflows with thankfulness for our church family. You can feel the difference when you go to church now....more energy and enthusiasm!

After church we ate with my parents, then Matt and I did Christmas decor, and also steam cleaned all rugs, carpets, and couch. It was kind of nasty seeing how dirty the water was after cleaning.

At 4pm, we had the installation service for our new preacher. It was really nice, and again, just a great time for our church and fellowship.

Below are some pictures from the installation

Then, I went and did the elliptical for about 30 minutes, took a shower, then started icing for the double shot. It went SO WELL! I'm okay, now, if the next one goes poorly because the last two days have been so great. I went from total dread to feeling okay and calm going into it.

Getting my ice (peas) on!

Don't look if squeamish!! (so sorry) 

After I finished both shots, Matt said, "smile you're done!" and this was the best smile I could get out. It was genuine, although there is leftover fear, ha!

Also, excuse my straight from the shower, no make up, not sure what my wet hair is doing look.

We're back at my parents house tonight. I think we are actually enjoying having the company and distraction/change up to routine. Keeps our minds off of the process and shots. We will probably stay a couple of more days then go back after Thanksgiving, maybe before. The house seems well ventilated, now. Speaking of, I have the worst headache ever tonight. It basically made me a mute during dinner and now while I'm on the couch and everyone else is watching a movie. I am pretty much crippled by the headache. I took some meds, so maybe it'll get better so I can get some good sleep. I can't complain much about the headache because the shots went so well. I know the headache is a side effect of the drug, but usually it isn't this bad. Oh well, pass the tylenol!

Tomorrow is my next Dr's visit; ultrasound (stalking of the follicles) and blood work. Prayers that the follicles are growing; many of them! But, prayers specifically for quality follicles (eggs) over quantity. It can be both, but if I have to choose, please just give us a few quality eggs to turn into quality embryos to turn into miraculous baby(ies)!

Night! Amanda


(more thoughts)....

I had pinned a '31 Days of Prayer during infertility' and today it was about your marriage. This was so great to read! I definitely didn't realize all the effects this process would have on our marriage, but over the past 4 years there have been so many ups and so many downs, but thank the Lord, we have survived. It has been such an emotional time and also a time to face some rawness in life, and we've been forced to be stripped of comfort and 'expectation' and faced with some of our bad sides (doubt, frustration, anger, etc). We have clung to each other and also pushed each other away at times, but at the end of the day, we still fight for each other, and value our marriage over all of this.

We defied statistics by having an ectopic, by not having a baby after 4 years of trying, and I think we'll defy the statistics of couples being 3 times as likely to divorce when unable to conceive. Sorry, stats, you lose.

I'm blessed by Matt, and although there are tough times through all of this, we are the most stubborn individuals I've met, and we fight for our marriage with that same stubbornness and tenacity. And each time, we come out stronger and more prepared for the next hardship. Thankful for my marriage more than ever today and through this process.

Matt wanted to document my war wounds. They look nastier than they feel. I will say, I know for a fact I ran twice today. Once from Matt's car to church (due to rain) and again from the house to Matt's truck (due to rain). i know this because when I run my fat jiggles and it really hurts my belly. ha! I did do the elliptical today, and that doesn't hurt, yay.

So, I swear I don't think my belly is this rounded..haha! it looks nasty! It was probably mad because I'd just iced it and stuck it twice. And maybe it's a little swollen, but I really don't feel that it's this rounded all the time:) But, maybe it is, oh well!

Day 29, November 22, Saturday - Shot Dread

Woke up at 6:15 by Matt and took my menopur shot. It went much smoother this morning. I didn't mess up the diluent, but I was super dreading this.

I had high hopes of getting on up and doing some Christmas decorating, but ended up going back to bed and sleeping until after 10! I said yes to the Christmas tour this year...another pre-IVF decision. Turns out the date, 12/6, could be RIGHT when I'm on bed rest. So, I may be hiding in the bedroom while my mom and Matt show the house (i feel awful for that; poor Matt didn't want to do the tour anyway). I was just thinking, 'well it'll probably be our last time to do it for a while.'

I want to have my Christmas stuff done pretty much this weekend. That way next weekend, I only have to worry about setting out greenery and stuff, and general cleaning. Then, the week leading up to the Christmas tour, I could go for retrieval any day and transfer any day. Whew! It's getting close.

Today, I put up most of all indoor Christmas stuff minus the tree; that's tomorrow. We had the windows open for ventilation all day. I also broke a window which totally sucked. Not completely broken, but a nice crack across the whole thing. I was trying to open it to help with air circulation, but it wasn't having it. I'll be closing shutters to the dining room during the tour, now, because of the lovely crack. oh well, shiz happens.

I feel like I got a lot done between the Christmas stuff, dropping off dry cleaning, and getting all non perishables for Thanksgiving cooking from the grocery store. Then, we went to my parents' house and had deer burgers that Matt made from a deer he killed last year. David, Erin, and the kids came over, too, and it was a lot of fun.

It's sooooo late right now; not sure why i'm up. It's 1am. I'll be giving another shot in 5 hours. Woo to tha Hoo!
Well, thankfully, the shot (all three) went well today. Seriously, thanks be to God. I needed an easy shot day, and I didn't bruise or swell with any of them. I'm so very thankful for that. My tummy needed a break, and my mind needed confidence that this wouldn't be too bad.

Just for tracking and in case anyone ever sees this and taking these drugs here's how they make me feel.

Lupron (10 units, now 5): emotional, headaches, achy joins (especially knees and ankles)
Follistim (150 units)/Menopur (75 units)--I can't differentiate between the two b/c I started them the same day: Emotional, much worse headache (that was the follistim...b/c it literally hurts after I give a shot; both nights so far), and dizziness. I had a pretty good dizzy spell tonight; i read that is a side effect.

No bloating so far and no weight gain so far. I've actually lost weight. Matt and I had started a diet back in August that lasted 3 weeks, but it got us back on a good track, and I've been doing the elliptical 3-4 days a week. But, honestly, that's no different than the last 3 months...the difference is I've pretty much cut alcohol out. And, sadly, that has lead to 5 pounds almost of weight loss in the past 2 weeks. #dontjudge

So, overall, just achy, dizzy, headaches, and raw emotions. I'll keep you posted. I would expect to be bloated, crampy, and have some weight gain soon. I'm pretty sure my reproductive system will be nice and full of fluids and hella egg production, and that's supposed to cause water retention and other fun stuff.

Okay, i'm off to bed. Night!!

Icing my belly/trying to avoid waking up for this shot

Still icing; Larry is helping. Still at my parents house. And still in my cat pajamas.

Back at our house for the day. This kid went outside for the first time today. He loved it!

Pappy and Eddy took advantage of us ventilating our house, and they used this as their new passageway to the outdoors. They were in and out constantly. It was funny.

Below is the evening shot set up. Lupron and Follistim. I did these at our house tonight.

I was not feeling it

Super not feeling it, but it actually all went so much better than I expected, so that frown turned up side down later in the evening when I realized I had no bruising or swelling!! woop!

Night!

Day 28 - Nov. 21, Restaurant Iris, and new shots!

6am: This was a GREAT and growing day. Matt and I made reservations for Restaurant Iris months ago, and we were so excited to try it this night. But first things first, I had to do my first morning shot, menopur. And, it was scary to me because it required you to mix a solution with a powder, and then draw it up for injection. Just didn't want to mess it up! Matt is AWESOME and he woke up with me...he was up before I was. So at 6:15, we were up like drug fiends, going straight for the needle even before a shower or coffee.

Good thing he woke up with me because I jacked it all up. I went to withdraw the solution to mix with the powder and some kind of way the syringe didn't suck any up, so I thought i was mixing it, but I had inserted AIR into the powder...which of course doesn't cause the powder to dissolve. So, i'm panicking because it won't dissolve (duh, no solution), and I'm imagining how I make this pixie stick type power dissolve! Thanks to Matt he realized I hadn't done it right, and while I'm watching the instruction video to see where I went wrong, he straightens it out for me, and bam, I've got my meds ready for injection. This injection burned; kind of like when you get a sinus cocktail shot in the bum...just burns when it goes in. Plus, it was a full CC of meds which is more than my Lupron. Well, I survived! It wasn't so bad!

Looking super alert (haha, maybe I should wake up a little earlier so I can use my brain better)

1pm: Dr Ke Calls
We had decided we didn't want to do ICSI, which meant we don't want to freeze eggs. Matt talked to our sister in law, Joy, who is a gynecologist, and she agreed with us to just let it be as natural as possible, and there's not need for us to need an ICSI type intervention. So, Dr. Ke called and I let him know. He said he actually agreed with me. He said that while we hope IVF works first time, if it doesn't, I'll be wishing i had more embryos. And he doesn't think, through natural process, we will be left with Dugger style embryo count. Matt and i feel, from our convictions standpoint, that we want to have all embryos we make. Those are our children, and they all deserve a chance. While I understand from biology that all embryos won't make it to birth, I want to be sure we freeze any that are left, and assuming this works, we will not be trying naturally again until we have gone through this process with the remaining embryos. Each to their own, but this is where we stand on it. This process makes you think of things you never thought you'd be faced with...crazy! So, i felt such a relief knowing we'd made a final decision on that. It's all in God's hands, now, and I feel completely confident we made the right decision here.

....let me pause and say ICSI is a beautiful and wonderful blessing for those that cannot conceive any other way, and we may be using the process in the future; but for where we are at this time, we didn't feel the need to use it.

6pm: So, our reservations were at 8:15pm, and i wanted to give my follistem meds (another new one) around 6:30. I was nervous (of course) because it was new and was actually put together like a pen. It was more involved than the others, but turns out much more straight forward once you get it down. So, Matt and I are sitting outside of CVS (needed some gauze, plus it's well lit) in his truck with meds spread all over the dash. I'm in a dress so i have to pull my whole dress up to give the shot. We were convinced we'd get busted by cops for indecent exposure or them thinking a bunch of druggies just robbed the CVS and couldn't wait to shoot up whatever they got. It all went well; I did the follistem and the lupron. No major issues, just normal. yay!

Below is our set up at CVS

Super stoked about the double shot tonight!

We went to Bar Louie for a drink before Iris. We had a great time. I blabbed and blabbed and it was so much fun (for me anyway). I just felt happy and relaxed. We haven't gotten dressed up for a date in a while, so it felt exciting and fun! We laughed a lot and just enjoyed not talking about IVF or really anything of importance.

We went on to Iris, and it was AMAZING! We split foie gras and a lobster "knuckle sandwich." Then, I had shrimp and grits and Matt had blue cheese and fried oyster stuffed steak. It was sooooo good.  We ended the meal with lavender creme brûlée. WOW. It just had the faintest taste of lavender, and it was soooo yummy! Best restaurant I've ever been to in Memphis. It was in an older home and so cozy. We really had the best time, and I'm so thankful we got to go. We made reservations before knowing we'd be doing IVF, but really this timing was so perfect. It had been a pretty tough week between the ICSI decision, and the additional medications and shots, and we really just needed this time to relax and just enjoy each other. Matt laughed because I cried three times at dinner. These dang  hormones are doing a number on me. It wasn't a sad cry, just getting choked up talking about anything that means something to me. I'm extremely emotional lately, but that's okay. I feel good and am thankful!

Foie Gras

Lobster Knuckle Sandwich 

Shrimp and Grits

Blue Cheese Stuffed Steak

The amazing lavender creme brûlée. Matt had told them it was my birthday (that was the original plan, but reservations are tough to get!)

                                                Being extremely happy about this night!

Not to end on a sad note, but here's the current status of my belly. It's fighting right along. Please don't see this as sad or gross (well, it is gross, it's my belly fat, ha!), but to me this represents strength and hope.  This is what we want, and we're blessed to be on this journey. Bruises and needle sticks are much less painful than the pain of infertility, and IVF provides an answer to that for so many. I hope and pray we are one of those!

And yes, those are cat pajama pants.

Matt gave me his full support with the following:

Days 25-27, Nov 18-20; new shots and ICSI(?)

Nov. 18 - Tuesday
It was so cold this day! No big news on the IVF front, just trucking along

Nov. 19 - Wednesday
Went in to Dr. for Baseline. This is when they do a follicle count and blood work. I have 35 follicles which is a lot! That's awesome news:) The nurse called me later this day and told me that I would need to start my menopur and follistem (these are both stimulation drugs) Friday, and reduce my Lupron (anti-stimulation) to 5 units vs. 10. Menopur is a morning shot, and follistem and lupron are evening. I wasn't so super jazzed about the shot increase, but know it'll be fine. Also, when the nurse called she said Dr. Ke asked if we were good with doing ICSI ( i was like ICS-what?). Turns out ICSI is for male factor infertility (meaning low sperm count, not mobile, etc). Matt's semen analysis was above average, so this didn't make sense. She said she'd have Dr Ke call me to discuss. In the meantime, i was researching like crazy. ICSI is the process of actually drawing up a single sperm in a tiny needle and inserting it into the egg. The risk of genetic diseases is increased slightly, but they say this may be skewed by the fact that males with fertility issues are the primary candidates in this treatment and that already carries a higher risk of passing along a genetic issue. It just seemed odd that we would participate in this procedure.....

Anyway, more to come.

I got a lot of extra syringes this day at the dr because I was running out! At least they came in a cute lavender bag. #druggie

I got home from work, gave myself a quick shot and then we went to Church for Thanksgiving potluck. It was yummy.

Nov. 20 - Thursday
Dr Ke called me this day. He explained ICSI further. So, Matt and I didn't want to irresponsibly create more embryos than we could likely have. We had stated at the beginning of this process that we wanted to freeze eggs in excess of 15. Statistically 15 eggs results in about 2-3 potential kids after all the process is complete. 15 eggs is about 7 embryos is about 3 babies hopefully. He said that when you freeze eggs you have to do ICSI because (bare with me here goes the medical piece over my head) when they extract the eggs from the ovary follicle they come encased in a cell...turns out all cells they extract don't necessarily contain an egg. To know the egg count prior to fertilization (to freeze excess over 15) they have to remove the cell and when you remove the cell, natural fertilization no longer is possible.
So, long story short, freezing eggs = ICSI. I wanted to talk to Matt of course, and Dr Ke said call the nurse tomorrow to ask any additional questions. He needed to know our answer by Monday when the Dr's meet again for their upcoming IVF patients.

Also, this night I studied my new shot video tutorials like it was a test. I made notes and everything.

ALSO, we had some housework done, including painting. Unfortunately it was oil based paint which isn't good for IVF patients (male or female), and definitely not good for a baby. So, we decided to stay with my parents for a few nights until all fumes (smell or not) had cleared.

So, I was nervous doing my new shot in a new place. I had gotten used to my station at home:)

To be continued in new blog entry...